Page 104 of Tangled Up

“Yes, of course, Mom. I love Jason. Of course it’s his.”

Back to smiling, she rested her hand over her heart. “Well, what’s the problem? You should be so excited. You’re going to be a mommy!”

“I know. I should be excited,” I replied. “I should be, and I’m not.”

“All new moms feel overwhelmed. Don’t worry,” she said, in possibly the kindest voice she’d ever used with me. “It will pass. You’ll figure it out. I did.”

“Yeah, after twenty-five years.”

That came out harsher than I wanted it to, and my mother lost the glint in her eyes. “Being pregnant is difficult, but you aren’t going to take it out on me.”

She moved to stand, and I caught her wrist. “I’m sorry, Mom. I didn’t…” I let out a shaky breath. “I didn’t mean it. I’m just… I’m scared.”

And then I cried.

She sat back down, pulling me almost into her lap as she wrapped her hands around my shoulders and head, letting me get every last tear out until I was positive I was dried up.

“I don’t know what to do,” I said, backing away to wipe at my cheeks.

“Do?”

I nodded, dragging the back of my sleeve under my nose.

“Do with a baby? You feed it and—”

“No. I mean, if I want it.”

“Oh.” She folded her hands in her lap. Whatever lecture I expected, it was certainly not, “Your grandparents wanted me to get an abortion.”

I lurched back in surprise. “What?”

With a deep breath, my mom smiled sweetly, combing her hand through my hair, saying, “You need to take a shower. You smell. Worse than usual.”

“Mom!”

She laughed and sat back against the cushions to get comfortable. “Okay. When I told your grandparents I was pregnant, they told me to get an abortion. They said I was ruining my life, that I wouldn’t finish college, that your father was a good-for-nothing.”

I snorted.

“Mostof what they said wasn’t true,” she acquiesced. My mom did eventually finish college and went on to open up a very successful boutique. Although, my father…he absolutely was a “good-for-nothing.”

“Why didn’t you get an abortion?”

Lifting her gaze to the wall, she didn’t answer for a while. “Growing up, I didn’t always feel loved all the time. Sometimes it seemed as if whether I was born or not, my parents’ lives wouldn’t have changed. And I don’t think I realized how big of a hole I had inside me until I found out I was pregnant.” She turned her attention on me. “I was scared, and I was worried about your father. It wasn’t like I didn’t know the type of guy he was. I may be a perpetual romantic, but I’m not stupid. I had hoped he would be the man and father he had promised he was going to be, but I made the decision to have a baby, have you, because it was what I wanted. I wanted someone to love.”

I swallowed past the lump in my throat, feeling slightly nauseated. “But I don’t know how to be someone’s mom.”

“I don’t either.”

We both laughed. A short moment of levity after days of what felt like a dark cave I couldn’t find my way out of. Finally, my mom was there, shining some light.

“No one ever knows how to be a parent. Those books they tell you to read are totally useless. But once the baby comes, you figure it out. It’s kind of instinctive.”

I looked to the now-empty bowl in my kitchen, where Spot used to reside. I’d found the fish floating belly up in the murky water this morning. “How am I supposed to take care of a baby? I can barely take care of my pets. I can barely take care of myself.”

A few part-time jobs, a crappy apartment, a dead fish, that was what I had in this world. I didn’t know how to be a mother when I was still figuring out how to be an adult, and no matter what Jason said, how often he told me he’d support me, it didn’t matter.

All those men who’d dated and married my mother promised the same thing, which was why I had always focused on being completely independent. I might not have always made the best or smartest decisions, but I’d made them on my own. I’d learned not to rely on anyone else, so when they would inevitably leave, it wouldn’t matter. Jason had walked out on me once after an argument. Who was to say he wouldn’t do it again?

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