Page 100 of Tangled Up

It was the jolt of a cold, wet cloth that brought those synapses back to proper function.

“Your blood pressure is coming down.”

I glanced to my left, at a middle-aged nurse wearing scrubs covered with spotted puppies. “Feeling any better?”

Better? Better than what?

My throat was thick and rough. Nothing but a croak released. I angled my head to the nurse, whose understanding smile broke through the fog in my brain.

“I’m pregnant?” The words came out flat and lifeless.

The nurse nodded. “Yes, I know.”

My blank expression must have tipped her off. “Do you want to be pregnant?”

Searching the room for an escape, I remained silent as the question echoed off the stark white walls. A little too white. My eyes burned from the brightness of it all, and I pressed my fingers into my eye sockets. “I don’t know.”

I hoped this was all a bad dream, yet when I opened my eyes back up, the nurse was crouched in front of my chair, her hands patting my knees. “It’s a surprise, huh? I was stunned when I found out I was having my first baby. It was a few days after the honeymoon, and we had barely moved in to our house. We weren’t ready. I wasn’t ready to be a mom at all, but you eventually figure it out, you know?” She tilted her head. “Why don’t you go home, digest this new information, have a good sleep tonight, and call us back tomorrow. We will put you in touch with some excellent obstetricians, if you need it. Sound good?”

What sounded good? The information? The sleep? The obstetrician?

Somehow, I found my way home and into bed without consciously walking or driving anywhere. In fact, it seemed as if my brain had completely disappeared. There was nothing but a black hole up there. I stared at the ceiling of my bedroom, my body completely immobilized with shock.

It wasn’t until Jason’s voice rang out that the shock turned to sheer terror. I scrambled underneath the covers and turned my back toward the door, feigning sleep. I hoped he couldn’t see me trembling when he poked his head in the door.

He crept to the bed, so heartbreakingly careful not to wake me, and placed a soft, sweet kiss against my hair before shutting the door behind him on his way out. My eyes stung as tears formed and fell down my cheeks. I was so young and still had so much life ahead of me. For all the plans I’d avoided making in my life, not getting pregnant was one I’d intended to keep. I didn’t want to end up like my mom, getting knocked up and spending my life following men around.

I pressed a quaking hand to my stomach. It didn’t feel any different. My eyes scanned my body. It didn’t look any different. But then why was my life being turned upside down by this alien thing inside me?

Anger boiled up. I clenched my fingers together, wishing today had never happened. Wishing the night at the museum had never happened. Wishing none of this had ever happened.

And then as quickly as the anger came, it was eroded by a wave of guilt. A fresh well of tears sprang from the corners of my eyes. I was a terrible person.

I messaged the girls.

SOS SOS SOS SOS SOS SOS

Sinking down to the floor, I held my phone to my face, trying and failing to regulate my breathing. Soon, my palm vibrated with a group FaceTime call. I opened it up, and Sam’s face filled the screen. “What’s wrong?”

“I think we should wait for the other girls.”

“Why are you whispering?”

“Because…” I hung my head. “Let’s wait, okay?”

Next, Bronte came on, silent in her assessment of me, then finally Laney, whose big grin instantly dropped. “Oh Jesus. What is it?”

I lowered the volume then crawled to the corner of the room so Jason wouldn’t hear from his spot in the kitchen. He was banging pots and pans around in there, probably making me dinner like the wonderful person he was, and I let myself cry in front of my friends.

“I’m pregnant.”

Bronte covered her gasp with her hand.

“It’s okay, it’s okay, you don’t need to cry. We’re here,” Sam said. “Are you all right?”

“No, I’m freaking the fuck out.”

The girls gave me time to dry my eyes, and I stared into my phone screen, my best friends staring right back.

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