Page 111 of Fortress of the Brave

You’re safe.

You’re safe.

Why is this happening?Because someone hurt me. Only they can’t hurt me anymore.

I sit still on the floor with my back against the wall, my eyes closed, trying to breathe.

I haven’t had a panic attack for months. I’ve not felt like this at all since having therapy. It’s done wonders for me, but maybe I need to talk to Josie again and attend my sessions more regularly.

The months following my ordeal were tough. I didn’t think I’d come out of it, but I did.

You’re strong.I tell myself.

You’re valuable, needed, worthy.

Shit. This was a big one. I haven’t needed to repeat my mantra in as long as I can remember.

Now I realize why I’ve been triggered.

Dante.

I fear for his life.

Imagining him not in my life is like torture.

I know I shouldn’t be attaching myself to him in this way, but I know I can’t come out of it without it taking hold of me. The heat rises in my body all the way up to my neck and my face. It engulfs me.

If I could only just breathe…I contemplate texting Rayne, but I don’t want to burden her with this.

I’m being silly. I know I am.

But Dante is on some secret mission, I know it. They’re not going out there to play poker and smoke cigars. They’re going to get the bad guys, which means guns and danger.

I can’t let this panic take over me. I need to get through this…I can do it…

I close my eyes, put my head between my knees, and remember I’m loved.

I have my sister.

I have my friends.

I have Dante.

I’m loved. I’m needed.

The tension begins to subside, and the heat begins to fade.

I’m okay.

I’m gonna be fine because I’m in a safe place, surrounded by the casino walls and a floor that nobody can get on.

Sometimes I see him—the guard who taunted me, who threatened to do bad things to me. I can only thank my lucky stars that he didn’t get a chance to follow through with those threats. Some of the girls weren’t so lucky. Apparently, I was one of the women who were off limits, all because of who my sister was faking a relationship with. That’s what saved me. I was meant to be unharmed and untouched until the ship set sail. Then it didn’t matter.

I don’t ever want to go back there in my mind.

I don’t ever want to think about what almost happened to me. If I do, then I may never leave this suite.

What got me through some of those long days and even longer nights, was remembering all the good things in my life. Even the stupid little things, like New York in the fall and my favorite Starbucks coffee. Those little things that you take for granted.

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