Page 50 of Can We Fake It?

I try my best not to hold on too long, and I get the feeling she’s doing the same.

32

JADA

Ican’t remember the last time I felt this indifferent at work. Usually the fast pace, tinkling sound of glass and buzz of patron's voices motivates me. Today, not so much. The aftermath from the breakup is a bag of bricks perched firmly on my shoulders.

Another thought of Carter, another bile reflux. I’ve spent the morning battling the waves as they threaten to erupt. I steady myself and swallow hard.

I know the solution is to just stop thinking about him but my brain will have none of that. Instead it amps up the images of his face. My stomach lurches in response.Not this. Anything but this.

Last night's conversation is on loop in my head. Nothing can drown it out. Not loud music, not my work mates chatter, nothing.

“Honestly, I don’t know what to say. If I could love anyone, it would be you. You’re amazing, I hope you know that. It’s just, I still don’t really know if I even believe in love. At least not like most people do.”

This phrase especially haunts me. I can’t fault him for being honest, but the throbbing ache in my heart wishes he had lied. This whole thing is a lie, so why not just lie to me?

“Damn you, Carter,” I mouth. There’s nowhere in the fake marriage playbook where it says to include the bells and whistles of a real one.

But if I'm honest, the words we exchanged were a necessary evil. It was good for us, healthy even, to set ourselves back on track. The way it should have stayed from the beginning.

What I can’t get over is the face he made. And the Oscar for best actor goes to Carter Finch, because how could he be so loving but balk so hard when I asked if he loved me? It’s humiliating.

I lean against the counter and steeple my fingers. My wedding band is still on, I can’t bring myself to take it off.Well, you’re still married so you have to wear it.I’m so lost in thought that I’m caught off guard to see Heidi’s face is peppered with irritation when I turn to her.

“You seriously haven’t heard a thing I said?” Her eyes switch to concern, and her face softens.

“I was far away, sorry. What’s up?” I shudder at the prospect of speaking with anyone right now. Especially not his sister. Technically, I should be paying attention to work. but I have more important things on my mind. Plus, I just want to be left alone.

“After the honeymoon you guys had, you’re not allowed to be tired for at least six months.”

I smile back at her joke but without my eyes.

“You okay? How come Carter hasn’t come in today like he normally does? That’s what I should be asking.”

Should I tell her the truth?I guess I have to. She’s known about this whole thing since its inception but she doesn’t know how I feel now.

I stand up straight, hug myself and weigh my words. A half truth will do. “He might not drop in as often from now on.”

She raises an eyebrow, and it reminds me so much of her brother. He does it in the exact same way. I bite my lip. God, I miss him.

This is exactly what Heidi tried to warn Carter about. Here we are, living out exactly what she said would happen.

I give myself an internal kick.Has he left you? Has he moved out? Has he kicked you out? No, no and no. Stop being ridiculous.

Even through my pep talk, I shiver. I long for the intimacy lost. Just being able to curl up on the couch with him after a long shift – I’ll probably miss that the most.

“What's going on? You’re shaking.” She strokes my upper arm.

I’m thrust back to every single time Carter has touched me. Gentle, fleeting, possessive. Another shiver snakes its way through my body, and I hug myself tighter. “We just realized we’ve been spending too much time together.”

“And that's a bad thing because?”

“Because it's a fake marriage, and we shouldn't get attached. People might get hurt. Especially your mom. I couldn't live with myself if we did that to her,” I say, over the din in the bar.

She looks around, then asks if I want to go talk in the staff restroom for a bit. I do, in fact, want to vent so we make our way there and stand by the sinks.

“Have you seen how happy she is about you two? There's no way in hell you guys getting attached would hurt her. All she does is rave about how beautiful Jada is, how sweet Carter is with her, how they're so in love.”

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