Page 76 of Before We Came

“Maybe. Do you?”

“Yeah.”

“Your mom... she wasn’t around much, was she? You lived with my parents?”

I clear my throat. Talking about my mother is never easy.

“My mom was an alcoholic. She wasn’t a happy drunk. When she got pregnant with me, my dad left. She always blamed me for it. Whenever she went off on a bender, she would spend the weekend berating me. She was a bully.”

“I’m so sorry,” she says, closing her arms around me tighter and nuzzling closer.

“The first time I showed up at Jack’s—your parents’—with a black eye, they called Mom up and made some kind of arrangement. I’m not sure if they paid her or what. To this day, I don’t know what was said, but I lived as a Hayes until college.”

“I had no idea it was that bad, Lonan. I’m glad they were there, but I wish they didn’t have to be. That’s awful. You were just a kid.”

“They are the closest thing to real parents I have. And I always imagined having a family someday that looked like theirs.”

“Hopefully better than what they went through.”

“You know what I mean. It’s rare for a marriage to withstand the loss of a child for obvious reasons. But somehow, they got lucky. Theirs did.” They have something unique. Their love is unshakable. That’s the love I want with Bridget.

“You know I can’t promise you any future plans right now, right? I have no clue what’s happening with my social security status. I’m running out of time. Getting involved with anyone is a bad idea.”

It feels like I just got checked into the boards.

What the fuck?

“How so?”

“It would be selfish. I’m deadweight. I don’t have access to loans, cars, or any jobs, a house—Lonan, I’m scrounging off literally everyone I know.”

“That’s not—”

“You talk about marriage and kids because those things are possible for you right now. I couldn’t even get a marriage license if I wanted to. I can’t get health insurance. How the hell am I supposed to have a family when I can’t even take care of myself?”

“You have a job with me. I will get you a car. You don’t need a loan. You live here.”

“Lonan.”

“Bridget.”

“It’s not the same. I need my independence. I’ve spent most of my life thinking I was unwanted; I’ve learned to be dependent on myself. It’s what I know. It’s safe.”

God, this woman has trust issues on top of trust issues. She’s shutting us down before we even begin. The walls she has put up are tall and wide, but I know she feels something for me. I can see it in her eyes every time our gazes meet. Every time I touch her, she’s looking at me for more.

Evidence Item #177

Submitting Agent: Tim Rollins

Case Number: NF-2000-PR-0856478

Item #: 177

Description of Enclosed Evidence: Journal, 2018

Victim’s Full Name: Bridget Lynn Hayes

Suspect’s Full Name: Julianne Katheryn Fournier

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