Page 41 of Before We Came

“The one you got on your eighteenth birthday to cover up Jack’s handiwork.”

“Oh.” He pulls his arm out of his sleeve, and I fight for my life to not stare at his abs. “This one.”

It’s an artistic blackbird, shaded with black ink, except for the small bird-shaped hole in the center where Lonan’s flesh shows through. My fingers brush over it, his jaw flexes, and a chill passes over his inked skin. It’s beautiful. He doesn’t take his eyes off me, and his throat bobs on a hard swallow. I take my time admiring all his other tattoos. The blackbird is my favorite.

When I step away, he returns to the dining table, setting a plate down in front of each chair. “How are things going with the living arrangement?”

“Good. I love it here.”

Peering at me as if I’m being given a lie-detector test, he offers a hesitant nod and shoves his hands in his pockets. I failed. Usually, the silence between us isn’t bothersome, but this one feels awkward.

“Really, it’s fine. I can’t complain. But sometimes it’s hard being around people all the time. I’m just used to my independence, is all. This was a big move, and I’m not totally sure I’m ready for it.”

There. That should be an acceptable answer. What’s the point of trying to explain something he could never understand? It makes me look selfish that I want to pull back and protect myself from the kindest, most-loving people I’ve ever met. I struggle to understand my own state of mind, much less try to break it down for a rational person.

“Do they know how you feel?”

I try to respond, but my mouth opens and closes like a fish out of water.Of course, they don’t know. That would break their hearts. I didn’t even want to tell you.

Relief floods me when my phone rings. It could say spam across the screen and I would still answer. I’ll renew my car’s extended warranty if it gets me out of an uncomfortable conversation. So I’m even more excited when I see its Micky.

“Sorry, I have to take this,” I say, swiping the call to answer. I walk down the hall, away from everyone, and hide out in the dark laundry room. I need a quick vent session with my best friend, and I don’t want anyone to see me.

“You just saved my ass!”

“Told you I’m psychic. I could sense you were in need of my services. Why are you whispering?”

“Remember that Lonan guy I told you about?”

“Yeah, the hockey hottie that gives you a snail trail?”

“Those weren’t the words I used.”

“I Googled him and took some liberties. Causedayum. Number Fourteen can get it.”

I close my eyes and a smile tugs at the corners of my lips.

“I miss you so much, Mick.” My voice catches.

“Oh, babe. I miss you too. What’s going on?”

I stumble through everything I’ve been feeling lately in a hushed voice. It’s like a floodgate of emotion and all the shit I’ve been trying to repress bursts through the levy. Thankfully, she understands me and my babbling. I tell her about the social security fiasco. That I’m unable to find a job anytime soon, and that my life is stuck in limbo. That I can’t shake my attraction to Lonan. That I feel smothered here. Micky doesn’t say a word; she simply listens.

“And another thing!” I whisper-yell, “I can’t even let myself feel bad about any of these things, because then I’m an ungrateful asshole! All I’ve ever wanted is a family that loves me, and now that I have one, I just want to escape. Why am I like this? I feel so guilty all the time, and that pisses me off too.”

She waits to speak, making sure I’ve gotten out everything I wanted to say. Even though we are separated by thousands of miles and a phone call, she gets me. I choke out a sob and quickly wipe away the frustration trying to spill from my eyes. Gah! I don’t have time for this right now. I’m sure somebody will come looking for me any minute when they realize I’m no longer in the kitchen.

“Feel better?”

“A little.” I shudder.

“Okay, now take a deep breath. In for four seconds, hold for four, out for four.”

I do as she says, and it helps. I roll my shoulders, trying to send that soothing breath to the areas of my body holding tension.

“Listen, all of those feelings are valid. It would be weird if you didn’t feel this way. And why are you adding guilt on top of those emotions? You’re going through enough as it is. Sometimes you just need space from people. There’s nothing wrong with that. You’re an introvert; you’resupposedto feel that way.” She pauses. “That said, if at some point you need a break and want to come back here for a bit, I would love to have you. Although, from where I sit, it looks like I’d be better off moving in with you and getting to know the rest of that hockey team...”

I chuckle and roll my eyes, dabbing the tears away with the cuff of my sleeve.

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