Page 26 of There is No Devil

“He said, ‘That was the only family you had left. When I die, you’ll be completely alone.’ ”

Mara takes my hand again. Not squeezing it this time, just holding it in her lap, her fingers linked with mine.

“And you were,” she says softly.

“I thought it was better to be alone. Safer. More pleasant, even.”

“But you still did this,” Mara says, looking around at my father’s office, smashed to pieces with a rage that still screams from every corner of the room, all these years later.

“It affected me more than I expected,” I admit.

Mara lifts my hand to her mouth, brushing my knuckles against her lips.

“I can’t blame you,” she says. “Your uncle sounds terrifying.”

I set her hand down gently on her lap, facing her and looking her in the eyes.

“That was the first time I killed,” I say. “But there were more. It’s like losing your virginity … the first time seems so significant. Each one after is less and less important. Until you barely remember their names.”

Her tongue darts out to moisten her pale lips.

“Who was the second person?” she murmurs.

“I was drunk at a club in Paris. Three men followed me out, planning to mug me. I fought one off. The second ran away. The third … I slammed his head against the alley wall until his skull cracked.”

Mara’s hand floats up to her mouth. This time she bites down hard on the edge of her nail.

“That was the only time I killed on impulse, without a plan. The others were more strategic.”

“How many?” she whispers.

“Fourteen.”

Mara makes a faint choking sound. Her cheeks have gone pale and grayish, her knuckles white.

“None were women,” I say, as if that will comfort her.

“Why not women?” she asks faintly.

I shrug. “Men deserve it more.”

Mara sits forward, elbows on her knees, hands covering her face. I give her time to process, knowing that she suspected some of this, but could never have guessed the full truth.

After a moment, her shoulders stiffen and her head snaps up. She sits up, regarding me with sudden animation.

“You killed Sonia’s ex-husband,” she blurts out.

I frown at her.

“How do you know that?”

“Sonia told me how he died. I thought it was very … convenient.”

“It was veryinconvenientwhen he was dragging her to court for months on end. It affected her work.”

Mara squints at me. “You could have just fired her.”

“Hiring someone new is even worse.”

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