Page 46 of There Are No Saints

These questions shout at me from every corner of my mind. I can’t get a grip on myself, I don’t know what to do. I feel frantic and powerless, and like I really might be crazy.

That’s what Blackwell said. He called me “unstable.”

That’s what people will think if I accuse him publicly. Hell, even the cops didn’t believe me and that’s before they heard some famous rich guy was involved.

No one believes me because my story makes no sense.

Why would someone snatch me off the street and cut my wrists, then leave me there? Only for a completely different guy to appear ten minutes later?

Blackwell said it wasn’t him. But he also said he wasn’t there at all, and that’s fucking bullshit. I know what I saw.

I know whatI thinkI saw.

Could I really be unstable?

That stirs up some deeply buried shit for me. I’m talking the stuff you pack way, way down in the back of your mind and never look at ever, under any circumstances.

Your mom is so nice.

How can you hate her?

She just wants what’s best for you.

I know you’re lying.

She told me what you said about me.

She told me what you did.

You’re disgusting . . .

And then, even deeper down, the voice that makes up the worst fucking part of me. The part I wish I could tear out and burn on the fire, but I never can, because she is a part of me. All the way down in my DNA.

You can’t escape what you are . . .

I’m just doing what any good mother would do.

You can’t imagine what it’s like, having a daughter like you.

All mothers love their children. All of them. If I don’t love you, what do you think that means?

I read your journal. I know what you think, secretly, when you’re pretending to be so sweet.

I know what you do alone in your bed.

You’re disgusting. Disgusting.

I slap myself across the face once, hard.

Then I grab my own wrist to stop me doing it again.

You’re not going to do that anymore.

When you hurt yourself, you leave marks. That makes you look crazier than anything. Then nobody believes a word you say.Allthe marks look like you did them.

I have a better way now.

I just have to remember to use it.

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