I read the rest in a blur and I can’t count how many times I giggled or laughed, especially the time when we shut the door on a smug-looking Zain’s face. Without waiting, I turn to the next page.

It’s been two years since I last saw Riaan or heard his smooth voice. Uncle and Auntie never visit us anymore and every time I try to ask my parents why, they either shush me or lie saying they are busy with work so they can’t come. I only ask because I want to see him and make sure he hasn’t forgotten me. I always suggest we could go visit them but my parents always sends me back to my room without answering. Then one night, I heard them talk about some fight with Uncle. I realize that’s why they were no longer talking to us.

Does this mean Riaan hates me too? Or does he miss me? I have so much to share with him. I found one show where four friends pull pranks on one another and it immediately made me think that he would love it. Plus, it will give him more ideas to do the same to Zain. But maybe now that he’s turned eighteen, which I saw on his Facebook post, he doesn’t care about stupid tricks. God! He’ll think I’m childish. I wish I was older...

I can still remember the devastation vividly when I realized he will never come back and that I might never see him again. It was at this point that I turned into a complete stalker and slowly formed a crush on him.

I’m going to straight to hell. It’s a fact. A sealed deal. Because I’m attracted to my much older COUSIN! I got a freaking CRUSH! That’s what he has become to me. I’m almost sixteen and instead of finding a cute boy from my class, I’m doodling Riaan’s name and obsessing over how freaking hot he keeps getting the older he gets. It’s unfair. Somehow over the years I spent thinking of him, these confusing feelings sneaked in and made their home inside my heart.

Am I fucked up in the head? Are the nerves in my brain wired wrong? It’s the only legit explanation why I’m feeling this way.

Those intense narrow eyes, the ever-present scowl on his lips that takes his broodiness to a whole other level… I just can’t rid of the tidal wave of lust he brings me. Those muscles, though… they star in all of my fantasies. I swear I didn’t know they existed on a normal man who wasn’t a celebrity or a model. I have become so addicted to him that I can’t even go without staring at his pictures ten times a day, sometimes even more. I wish I could hear his voice. I bet it’s throaty and chocolaty.

Despite being related, he’s basically a stranger to me. Maybe that’s why I feel the way I do. Just hearing his name has butterflies taking flight in my stomach and a tingling sensation forming between my thighs.

I only know I want more… I’m too far gone.

It’s like I have floated back to the past as I read each word. I’m reliving it all over again like it was just yesterday. These are not just words but my deep and dark confessions. An unsuspecting love that blossomed in the wrong heart for the wrong man.

I should stop because I know what’s coming next before I even turn the page.

He broke my heart. Walked right over it. The worst part is, he doesn’t even know it. I could make excuses that he is grieving after losing his grandma but I’d be lying. I also can’t blame him. Just because I fell for him, doesn’t mean he’s screwed up in the head like me. I’m the abnormal and sick one to want him that way.

But it still crushed me to hear his cruel, impassive words. They cut me open. I wish I had the power to go back in time and not kiss him. Not desire him. I wish I could fix what’s broken inside of me.

Why did I ever think he could want me back? I hate him!!!

He doesn’t deserve me anyway...

I realize now, that I never actually hated him. I was only disappointed, but I did struggle with not being able to make sense of my feelings. It still remains a mystery why we lust after each other.

Before I drown into the dark pit again, I close the notebook and will the tears to go away. I suck in a deep breath to calm the ache spreading through me.

This was all too much to take in. Reading about myself over the years as I slowly fell for Riaan has opened up new wounds.

Loving him has wrecked me.

Beyond repair.

And the only cure that can fix me is the one I can’t have.

Chapter Ten

RIAAN

Distance makes the heart grow fonder.

Fucking bullshit. I want to find whoever said that and choke them until they take their words back. Nothing about being miles apart is fun or worthwhile.

Instead, my heart has gone cold, making my demons come out to play.

My business is the only thing keeping me grounded and not tear the world apart until Nyra is back by my side, right where she belongs.

I miss her so fucking much that it’s a miracle I’m still breathing and restraining myself from taking the next flight to her home.

It only took a week for my mind to become a chasm of chaos from constantly thinking about her. It doesn’t matter if I’m alone or surrounded by my team, not a single second goes by when she isn’t holding my thoughts hostage.

Each millisecond feels like a hundred years have passed since I last held her in my arms and saw her smile.