Page 140 of She will Always be Mine

Worried and choking down unwanted dark thoughts, I check the time on the nightstand clock and realize it’s two in the morning.

Why isn’t he home yet? More importantly, where is he?

God! I hope he didn’t go after Zain in the middle of the night. He was positively raging and murderous when he left. After a few hours, I had texted him to come back but he only replied to go to sleep. I can’t believe he’d say. He knows I can’t sleep without him beside me.

I decided to take a shower instead in hopes of purging the shame those horrible memories brought. In the mirror, I saw the ghost of the lonely girl I had morphed into and never do I want to be her ever again.

That woman was someone who was afraid, weak and cornered. In the short time of being back and living with Riaan, he showed me I’m so much more than that.

Some might say I’m relying on him a little too much, but I don’t care.

He’s my rock. My strength. My man.

After changing into one of his shirts, I laid down in bed intent on waiting for him return, but the heaviness of the day lulled me to sleep.

I knew he was going to react badly once I told him everything and might want some space, but it still shook me. I wish he would just talk to me and not distance himself. Keeping it all in just never ends well.

I should know.

I pick up my phone to call him when I hear the door open and close. I sigh in relief that he’s safely home. I pull the covers off and sit up while staring at the bedroom door but hear no sound in the hallway.

The apartment is eerily quiet as I discard the blanket and step out of the room. The living room and kitchen are empty and I wonder if I imagined the footsteps earlier.

I shiver from the unexpected cold breeze since I’m naked underneath his shirt. I press my palm to my thundering heart when I see a large shadow in the balcony. Only to calm down when it’s Riaan leaning on the ledge with his back turned away.

He doesn’t shift when I step on the balcony and find him smoking. One of his arms is resting on the banister while the other holds his cigarette as he brings it to his mouth.

I’ve only ever seen him smoke when he’s deep in thought or struggling to sort his emotions. I hate that I’m the cause of it tonight.

Stars twinkle in the sky above while the city sparkles below.

The view is breathtaking yet my attention is captured by the man who owns my heart.

His head tilts slightly, as he could feel my body heat behind him. He shifts backward in a silent command for me step between him and the handrail. I stand facing him while he brackets me with his hands on either side of me.

“Hi,” I whisper, his closeness a balm to my soul.

“Baby.” He sighs softly.

“Where were you?”

“Driving aimlessly.” His calloused fingers caress my face. “I needed to think.”

There’s still a rage storming in his eyes but it’s shadowed by hurt and guilt. Sometimes, it’s easy to blame ourselves for others’ actions, especially when someone important to you is involved. It’s the same chaos running through Riaan’s head.

He is extremely protective and caring beneath his hard and domineering edges, so learning he couldn’t save me is hitting him strongly. And I know it will take time before the feeling fades away.

I say nothing and push away the hair that falls on his forehead with my fingers. His eyes close as I slide my hand to the back of his neck and slowly massage the tense muscle there. Some of the tension melts from his shoulders as I continue to massage him softly.

“I’m sorry, baby,” he murmurs and I pause.

“You’re not the one who blackmailed me, Riaan.”

“You didn’t deserve it. It shouldn’t have happened. I knew loving each other would have consequences but never this,” he says as his torn gaze meets mine. “I can’t even imagine how you must’ve felt. When I first saw those photos, it was like someone stabbed and ripped my heart out. The way you pulled away from my touch that morning, it fucking gutted me. It’s the reason I held myself back.”

“I know that now and it made me realize that I was in denial too. I was so fixated on pushing you away that I never stopped to think about how much it was hurting me. I was letting my tormentor win. He wanted us apart and I was giving him exactly that. I even let my mom and everyone else into my head by putting their happiness first that I completely forgot about mine. I deserve to be happy, to be yours, and I’ll die before I let anybody else make me believe otherwise,” I vow to him and the light that sparks in his eyes makes the pain worth it.

“I never once doubted that you would come back to me, baby. I never once believed that you wanted to let me go. The truth was always in your eyes and it’s the only thing that kept me going without you.”

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