Page 57 of She will Always be Mine

My whole body is drenched in sweat and covered in goosebumps as if I was fighting to pull myself out of the nightmare but failed. I can still feel those hands running over my skin, feeling me up, and I reassure myself that it was only a bad dream. I’m safe and in my own bed.

These nightmares started a week ago, right after the night I was forced to share a piece of my soul and dignity.

Each night, he comes back and asks for more.

Every time I resist, he holds the video over my head, the equivalent of an invisible gun. I sense his sick pleasure when he takes away my power, my fight, and breaks me viciously.

I wish for it all to end but it never comes.

He’s unstoppable. Vile.Monstrous.

Nights are harder to face and survive through as I’m trapped inside the hell of my own making. With only fragmented illusions and dreams to keep me company, each frightening than the last.

They all start the same with invisible hands grabbing me, touching me invasively, and holding me down until I wake up. But until tonight, I never saw the man’s face. Only heard that evil voice… which was always whispering.

I’ll break you.

Take and taint what’s Riaan’s.

You’re all alone.

Somehow, I hold my strength throughout the day, only to fall apart at night. No amount of showering helps me get rid of the self-loathing and the filthiness I feel every time I look in the mirror. My own reflection disgusts me because of the fact that I’ve been reduced to becoming this person.

Weak. Cowardly. A broken doll.

All because of him.

I can’t even utter his name anymore without the fear and his words echoing in my psyche.

I’ve never hated myself so much, despite telling myself it’s only for a little while. The more I fall into his web, the less powerful I feel.

My soul is dying little by little and I’m unable to save it.

The only reason I haven’t completely lost myself is knowing I’m doing it for a reason—to protect those I love. I remind myself that as long as I keep my tormentor at bay, he will hold up his end of the bargain.

Just because he’s in control, doesn’t mean I’ve lost.

I mean, there has to be a light at the end of this tunnel, right?

I check the time on the bedside clock. It’s only three p.m., and I know I won’t be able to go back to sleep. I fear I’ll dream of him again and it’s the last thing I need.

He steals my attention when I’m awake as it is and there’s no way I’m letting him make a home in my subconscious.

However, the reason I’m struggling the most with his demands and feel guilt wrap itself around me every time I give in, is because my heart says I’m betraying Riaan. I’m basically cheating on him despite having no choice. Every night, I let another man see parts of me only meant for him.

I get so scared at the thought of him finding it out and that he’ll never forgive me.

Never stare at me with love shining in his dark eyes.

Once that happens, the line between love and hate would finally be broken.

To him, I’ll be nothing but damaged goods.

No longer his.

The worst part is feeling like I deserve it and the only way I can seek redemption is through him.

My heart and body knows he’s the only cure to purge me of the shame. The only soul whose touch and voice can replace the one currently taunting inside my head... Only he can cleanse me from my unforgivable sins.

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