Page 78 of Lust

Matthias.

It momentarily awakens me.

I never get used to seeing him. He's a god, a goliath. Physical perfection. Emotions destroyer.

"What —"

"Really? Are we still doing that?" I can't tell from his voice what he's feeling right now.

I shuffle on my feet. They're still aching from being on them all night. My eyes burn in my head, but I don't think it's from fatigue. It took an hour of driving around New York for my anxiety to ease enough for me to give the cab driver the address to the club. I'm so tired and can barely stand.

"I had to leave. I didn't want to hear what he was saying."

Matthias nods. "He was out of line."

"He said I was going to ruin your life. You didn't argue. I didn't know if you agreed or not. So I thought I'd make it easy for you."

"You didn't know if I agree that you're going to ruin my life or not?" His voice is light, smooth, nothing in it to tell me what he's feeling.

He steps toward me, and presses against me until even the thinnest sliver of light wouldn't be able to squeeze between us. "Clarissa, I asked you a question. Do you think I think you're going to ruin my life?"

"I don't know," I whisper, scared it might scare him away.

"Do you want to know the answer?"

I don't.

I don't think I can stand to hear any more truth tonight.

He grabs me by the shoulders and pushes me down into the alleyway. One more step and we fall into the shadows of the buildings.

Pinning me against the wall, his face moves to within an inch of mine.

"Ask me the question, Clarissa. You know you want to know."

This close, I can't say no to anything he asks. "Matthias, am I going to ruin your life?"

The palm of his hand cups my cheek, and I forget when there was a time when I didn't want him.

"Darling, my sweetest torture, hellion of my heart, you already have."

Then he kisses me like there is nothing in this world but us.

Desperately, ravenously, painfully.

Like he's trying to suck the hurt out of me, and breathe me back to life, forever branded by his breath in my lungs.

"You have already ruined me," he growls roughly against my ear. "There is nothing that came before you, and there's nothing that's going to come after. I don't know how, and I don't know why, but in the last few days, you have become my everything." His thumb leaves an imprint on my cheek when he grips my face, pulling me in for another kiss. "Nod if you understand, Clarissa."

But I don't.

I don't know if I believe him, and I don't know if I want to.

I don't know what it means. I don't know what it means for now and I don't know what it means for the future.

This was never supposed to happen.

These declarations, these kisses, these promises. They were never meant to happen. That's why I thought I would be safe with him. The one person I never ever had to worry about complicating our relationship. But now, I don't know how to return to a time when I wanted anything but Matthias's mouth on mine.

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