Page 11 of My Three Roommates

I’m attracted to men. I never thought I would be, and I never intended to act on it. At first I tried to write these thoughts off as just curiosity, but I can’t shake them any longer. They’re becoming impossible to ignore.

Cody’s habit of walking around shirtless doesn’t help. The last thing I need is that kind of eye candy around me.

I’ve never stopped wanting Kenna, not even for a second, but these unwanted thoughts are driving me to distraction.

I don’t know what to do. All I know is that I don’t want to deceive Kenna. She needs to know the truth about me. There’s no way I’m gay, but I’m still getting increasingly attracted to both of these men that I now live with.

It’s one thing to notice a random attractive guy walking by on the sidewalk. No big deal, that’s just a fleeting thing. It’s a whole other thing entirely for my mind to go to what it would be like to have sex with a man. It’s becoming overwhelming, and I’m losing the struggle to keep it together.

I still love Kenna more than anything, but I can’t ignore the turmoil inside of me. Am I really as solid with her as I think I am? If that’s true, why would I still be attracted to men in the first place? The thoughts keep plaguing me. The only way to make them stop is to come clean with her.

Even though my crazy attractions have nothing to do with my feelings for Kenna, they’re still a big part of me too.

It doesn’t make any sense at all.

Lately, I’ve even wondered if I could be with her and explore something with a guy. I know that’s crazy. It would take an exceptional woman to agree to that.

Kenna’s exceptional, but I don’t want to risk our future together. I’m not gay. I wonder if she or anyone can understand that, especially when I can’t understand it myself.

Cody’s already home by the time I get there.

“What’s that?” He eyes my gift for Kenna curiously as I unbox it.

“Some kind of blender Kenna’s always wanted,” I say.

“Some kind of blender?" Cody’s eyes widen in mock surprise. “That’s not just some blender. That’s the Beast.”

“Yeah, that’s right. Do you have one?” I ask him.

“No, but a friend of mine does.” Cody examines it closely. “Good model.”

I don’t know much about it so I just shrug. “I hope it’s the right one.”

“Oh yeah, she’ll like this.”

’She wants to start eating better. You know, make healthier food, smoothies or something like that,” I say.

I should be more excited. Kenna loves it when I get her presents, and the sales clerk added a big silver bow to the box when I told her it was a gift.

Taking it back from Cody, I attach the bow to the blender itself so it’s really prominent. It’s sleek and modern and it looks pretty good for a kitchen appliance. I can see why she’s been wanting it for so long.

“I don’t know about that,” Cody says as we stand around admiring it. “But it’s excellent for margaritas.”

I perk up. “Sounds good. I could use a drink right about now.” I briefly consider surprising Kenna with drinks made in the new blender, but I know she’ll want to use it for the first time herself.

“What are you guys looking at?” Kenna’s voice comes from behind us. Cody and I must look strange standing here staring at the table. We both step aside for the big reveal.

“The Beast?” She glances between me and Cody. “Which one of you got it?”

“It’s yours,” I say. “I bought it for you. Happy housewarming.”

“I love it.” Kenna flings her arms around me. I bury my face into her neck as we hug, inhaling her rosy scent.

The dread inside of me is still growing. I hope this isn’t the last gift I’ll be able to give to her, or the last time I’ll have her in my arms. I know what I need to do, and it has to be tonight. I can’t go on like this any longer.

I’ve got to come clean and hope that she’ll accept me for who I am.

“Kenna,” I begin, but she interrupts me.

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