Page 65 of He's the One

“To admire our Van Gogh and Rembrandt and Turner and the scowling faces of my ancestors, let alone all the sculptures and antique furniture and tapestries? It’s worth a look.”

“Would you show me round?”

Theo nodded.

“What do you think happened to your brother?”

“I think it all got too much for him. He was under pressure to do well at university. He studied geography, which he loved. I remember there was an argument because our mother wanted him to do history but Father said Piers could do what he wanted. What did it matter? His future was all mapped out for him. The end of his freedom. I understand better now why he went without saying anything, but whether he ever meant to come back or if he can’t return, I don’t know.”

“When you talk about your brother, your face changes, goes blank somehow, as if you can’t bear to think about him. It’s like the light leaching out of the sky before a storm.”

Theo turned to look at him. “It breaks my heart to think about Piers. I wish he was here. He abandoned me to this and I’m angry with him but I miss him at the same time. I could have run too, I still could, but I don’t have much money. I’m not as brave as him. Nor am I qualified to do anything. I’m trapped like he’d have been.”

“But maybe worst of all, there’s a part of you that wants to make your parents proud.”

Theo was shocked at Col’s ability to see that. “You’re right. It’s infuriating that even though my parents seem to have little love for me, my mother in particular, I still want to please them, want them to believe I’m capable of running Asquith. Though by the time I am, my father, at least, will be dead and won’t know whether I’m messing up or not.”Why do I bloody care?But he did.

“It’s not so surprising.” Col nudged him with his shoulder. “My parents were monsters. I might not have known quite how evil they were but they were cruel to me and Dominic. Anyone on the outside would think we looked well fed and well dressed. Cared for. We weren’t. Yet I still longed for them to praise me for something, a piece of school work, tidying up… I wanted them to smile at me, tell me I’d done well.”

He gave a quiet chuckle and carried on walking. “That didn’t last. The older I grew, the more I wanted them to forget I existed. I used to hide under the bed in my attic room and put my fingers in my ears so I couldn’t hear Dominic crying. I can’t help wondering whether there was something I could have done to make life better for him and me. I feel like I let him down. He was more of a parent to me than them.”

“Does it make you not want to have children?”

“It makes me want to be a better parent than mine ever were.”

“Is that not the perfect answer?” Theo smiled, though he could hear the sea now and his throat began to thicken as his steps slowed.

Chapter Twelve

Theo felt Col slow to match his pace.Maybe I won’t freak out on the sand.He could have thought up a reason to go back but he wanted Col to keep talking to him, wanted to keep talking to Col.

“I think we’ve both been messed up by our childhood, parents who didn’t do the right thing,” Theo said. “Except I know there’s no comparison really. I feel bad that I’ve ever moaned about mine.”

“When I went into care, it should have been a sea change for me and it was, but not in the way I’d expected. I suddenly had to adapt to a new way of existing, the loss of all that was familiar—Dominic, my room, my books, my toys, my school. I might have been free from abusive parents but my brother was locked up, andfreedidn’t mean I was okay. I was damaged, broken and ended up badly reassembled. I was scared of being hurt again, being betrayed by people who were looking after me. After all, they were only doing it because they were paid to. No one believed that Dominic hadn’t stabbed me. That…destroyed something inside me, to tell the truth and not be believed. I closed myself off, stopped communicating and cooperating. If I hadn’t been fostered by two of the kindest people in the world, I think I’d have been way off the rails by now.”

“And I complained about boarding school. Jesus, Col, I can’t believe you’re so…normal. I wish I was normal too.” Theo took a deep breath. “I want to be what I am. And I’d like to say I can be that with you, but I also need to warn you that I’m on various lists of the UK’s most eligible bachelors. Once it’s known I have a boyfriend, the press will want to know all about you. They’ll dig.”

Theo glanced at Col and saw the realisation of the consequences of that sink in.

“Fuck,” Col muttered.

Theo’s happiness began to seep away. Had he just delivered a self-inflicted wound? Was Col going to tell him this wasn’t going to work? But he had to warn him.

“Then we need to be extra careful,” Col said. “Once I’ve explained to my mum, she’ll see sense. After spending all these years protecting me, she’s not going to stop now. I don’t want to give up on us before we even get going.”

Theo released a shaky breath. “We’ve got a little bit going though.”

Col chuckled. “I’m still waiting for that kiss.”

I could just do it. Now. Kiss him.Theo’s heart thumped.

“Can you hear the sea?”

“Yes.” The crash of waves and the suck of the tide against the sand was enough to stop Theo thinking about kissing. Was this the time to tell Col he was afraid of the sea? Not only the sea, but the beach? He’d have to come up with something soon because the sand was only metres away.

“Can we walk along the seafront?” Theo asked.

“Sure.” They crossed the road and headed along the concrete promenade that paralleled the sea.

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