Page 39 of Savage Princess

I don’t know how I feel hearing about his late wife. I can hear the longing at the edges of his voice, no matter how he tries to hide it. I know he still misses her, still grieves her. I can’t imagine that kind of loss. I’ve never experienced it. The closest I’ve gotten is being taken away from my family, but I know it can’t compare—they’re alive, at least. And even if they weren’t, I can’t imagine how it would be to lose a spouse. Someone who you’ve shared a bed and a life with—planned a future with.

“How did you get her to do it?” I ask softly, and Levin rubs a hand over his mouth.

“I blackmailed her,” he says finally, and I stare at him, not entirely sure if I heard him correctly for a moment.

“You didwhat?”

He lets out a sigh, and I see his jaw tighten, the muscle there jumping a little. “Elena, it was my job. I know that’s not necessarily an excuse for some of the things I’ve done. But it’s more complicated than I could explain to you in a night, or even several. There are things I could never tell you. Things Iwouldnever tell you, because you’d see them in your nightmares for the rest of your life just from trying to imagine them.”

Levin turns towards me then, a dark expression on his face. I have the urge to flinch backward, to crawl back on the bed a little, but I don’t. I don’t want him to think that I’m afraid of him, that I’m running from him. I’mnot. It’s just—not what I expected.

“I’ve tried to make you understand that I haven’t always been a good man—that I don’t really consider myself a good man, even now. I’ve tried many times over the years to make up for the sins of my past, and I expect that I’ll continue doing that until the day someone puts me in the ground.” He shakes his head, looking at me. “I warned you that I wasn’t someone you should be with, Elena. I shouldn’t have let it go as far as I did.”

“That’s where you’re wrong.” I push myself off of the bed, walking towards him, almost close enough to touch. “You’ve done good things; I’ve seen it. You defended me when Diego attacked my home. You got me away from the auction. You’ve killed men to protect me, you dragged me out of the plane, and now—”

“That doesn’t make me a good man.” Levin’s jaw tightens. “You don’t know enough of the world to understand, Elena–”

“Don’t say that.” The words come out sharper than anything I think I’ve ever said to him before. “Don’t tell me I’m too young or too naive to understand. I don’t want to hear it. I’ve been throughhellsince Diego came after me. However innocent I might have been in the past, that’s all gone now. I might not have seen that much of the world yet, but I’m learning fast. And I want to help.”

“It’s too dangerous.” Levin takes a step back, shaking his head. “Elena—you don’t know how many nights I’ve lain awake, imagining how I could have done things differently all those years ago. I told myself when I talked Lidiya into working with the Syndicate that I was doing it to protect her, that if I didn’t oversee it, my boss would send worse men to take over instead. And that much is true—but I could have tried to get her away. I could have left. I could have risked my own safety and tried to talk him into another course of action. I could have doneanythingother than follow orders blindly, and if I had, then maybe Lidiya would still be alive. Maybe she’d be happy, gardening behind some pretty white house with a fence and a dog and three children, digging up carrots and pretending that they’re artifacts with the kids. Maybe she’d be single and on a dig somewhere. I certainly don’t fucking know. But I know the day she met me, she signed her death warrant, and I can’t be responsible for that again.”

Slowly, I step closer to him again, gently brushing my fingers against his chest, soft cotton under my fingertips. “You’ve thought a lot about that, haven’t you?” I ask softly, and Levin makes a rough noise deep in his throat, swallowing hard.

“You have no fucking idea,” he admits, and my chest clenches at the grief I see in his eyes.

“You can’t go back and undo any of it,” I whisper. “You can’t change it. And how do you even know that she would want you to? Maybe it was worth it, for her—for the time you spent together.”

“I know I can’t undo it.” Levin’s voice is gruff, hoarse. “That’s why I’m trying not to make the same mistakes again, Elena.”

“You’re not.” I look up at him, willing him to understand. “You’re not blackmailing me into anything. I’m telling you that Iwantto help. This is my future too, and I don’t want to be left scared in a hotel room while you try to facilitate that future.”

I take a deep breath, trying to find the words to express everything spinning around in my head. “I’ve spent my whole life closed off from the world while everyone else fashioned my life around me,” I whisper, my gaze fixed on his. “I want to be a part of my own life now. I want to be a part of what fixes it—and I want to help you.”

I can see plainly, from the look on his face, that he wants to tell me no. To stay inside and lock the door and wait for him to come back. But he also knows that it won’t be that easy to get me to stay here and wait on him.

“If we do this,” Levin says slowly—and I can see that muscle ticking in his jaw again as he speaks—“you have to listen to everything I say, Elena. I meaneverything. This is a world I’m familiar with, but it’s all new to you. You could be killed or worse, if anyone figures out what we’re doing. And if we’re successful, it doesn’t get easier—it gets harder.Moredangerous. Do you understand?” He looks at me, and his gaze is as serious as I’ve ever seen it. “Right now, I’m playing with roughnecks and men without a lot of money to lose. They’re dangerous enough as it is. But when I get to the higher tables, it’s high-rollers and men with power. They’re a different kind of dangerous, because they all think they’re owed a win. If they think it’s being stolen from them in any way, they’ll retaliate—and power makes them even more ruthless.”

“I understand,” I say softly.

“I’m not sure you do.” Levin’s lips thin, and I can tell he’s considering changing his mind before the decision is even made. “Elena, all of this—”

“—is my fight as much as it is yours,” I tell him, as firmly as I can. I feel small and uncertain, standing in front of him like this, asking him to understand. But I don’t want to be left behind. “I don’t want to be sheltered and protected like I have been all my life. Iknowyour job is to protect me. I get that. But at least protect me while I try to help you do something about this.Iwant to do something. Not just sit here and hope you come back.”

The last words catch in my throat, and I hadn’t realized until exactly that moment how much that worried me. Not just because without Levin, I have no real way of figuring out how to get out of this city, and would almost certainly end up back in Diego’s hands, but because I don’t want anything to happen to Levin.

I care about him. I can’t tell him that in words, because I know he won’t listen. But I can try to show him, by being as much help as I can.

“I don’t want to be a damsel in distress,” I tell him softly. “I want to be a part of the solution.”

“You’re not going to let me say no, are you?” Levin asks ruefully. He reaches out, almost as if he can’t stop himself, and his fingers trail along my cheekbone. “You’re as stubborn as your sister, but in a softer way. It makes you even harder to say no to.”

“I think that’s a compliment.” I feel my mouth twitch up at the corners, and Levin’s does too after a moment, as if in spite of himself. “Isabella was always more stubborn than me. But I’m learning to fight for what I want, too.”

I see the moment where he almost asks me what it is that I want, and then thinks better of it. His hand drops away from my face, and I miss his touch the moment that it’s gone.

“You should get some rest,” Levin says, turning away. “If we’re doing this, then we need to get you some nicer clothes. We’ll have to go out and do that tomorrow, as inconspicuously as we can. And then I’ll need to look into another game—a better one than I played in tonight. I have a few connections still, but I’d rather not put them in danger needlessly, so I’ll try my hand at buying into a higher-stakes game on my own, first. If I have to, I’ll reach out.”

He’s half-talking to himself, and it makes me feel good that he’s doing it aloud, that even in this small way, I’m being included in the conversation. It feels better than being left on the outskirts of all the decisions made about my life, as I’ve always been before.

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