Page 99 of Heart Sick

“You want her to die? Then fucking fine! You want to be a chickenshit little pussy when she needs you the most? No wonder she fucking killed you!”

The rain distorts the headlights, but the blaring of the horn alerts me that in seconds, this will end for us both, and the serenity I feel gives me comfort, which I never want to let go of.

“Talk!” I scream into the blackened sky, pressing over Luna’s windpipe as she gasps for air. “If you ever loved her, tell me what you could never do. Tell me how to save her!”

Everything is amplified, and nothing exists but music…just how it’s supposed to be. I get lost in the sounds because, my God, it’s beautiful. It’s like before, before this heart took over my life and ate away at my soul.

I see it…I see her.

Jack shows me her. He shows me how he loved her and she loved him. My eyes slip shut as I get lost in his memories as I become him.

Joy was right. Luna loved Jack with her entire heart. It’s no wonder we connected the way we did. The odds are slim to none, finding one another in a twisted fate. I accept that Luna knew Jack, that she would die for Jack because…

The lights are suddenly blinding, and I can’t breathe. All that exists is the music. That’s all I ever wanted…but what have I sacrificed in order to hear it?

“You wanted the truth, asshole, fucking choke on it!”

Jack’s life flashes before me. Every single moment flickers before my eyes in seconds and I see it…I see Luna and Jack together.

But it’s wrong.

No…

The memories make me want to vomit as Jack hangs his head in shame.

I shove Luna to the safety of the sidewalk because this is the last thing I can do to beg for forgiveness.

I hear the impact before feeling my entire body go numb. But not before Jack says one last thing before the final curtain call…

What thefuckhave I done?

Everything is so muddled.

The doctors said I’m lucky to be alive. But I’m not so sure I want to be. I don’t understand any of this.

Dutch dragged me into the middle of the road, talking to his imaginary friend, and I don’t know why. I’m certain we’re both as fucked up as the other, and I have no reason not to believe all the horrible things I’ve done.

I thought we’d be okay. I really did. But when Dutch pushed me to safety, I hit my head, and I woke here, in Parkfields—my home for God knows how long. The only thing that made this thing bearable was Dutch, but he’s gone.

Tears spill from the corners of my eyes, and I would wipe them away, but I can’t because I’m restrained to the bed. But this is my life now. Dr. Norton says it’s for my own good. I was wrong about her. All she wants to do is help.

All she wanted to do was help Dutch, but it was too late for him. The voices, or rather, the voice inside his head, is what drove him to take his own life. I still don’t know why he did what he did. What was he wishing Jack to say?

We have all the evidence we need in black and white.

I’ve read over my file. I know what I did. Joy has even come to visit. I don’t know how she could forgive me after everything I’ve done. But that shows what a good person she is. I think back to our conversation and how she felt so familiar.

“You don’t remember anything?” Joy asks, and all I can do is shake my head. “You loved Jack very much.”

“How can you forgive me for what I did?” I burst into tears but wipe them away quickly because I have no right to cry.

“We’ve been friends for a long time, Luna. You’re all that I’ve got left.”

Joy is a bigger and better person than I am because if I were her, I would want to murder the person who took away my son.

For the next few hours, she explains who I was and the events leading up to Jack’s death. I know that what she says is the truth because although I don’t remember it, it feels familiar. She explains I concocted a world where I was her and when she explains how Jack was in the hospital bed, hooked to the endless machines, a memory flashes before me—my ear pressed to his chest, listening to his heart just how I did with Dutch.

It all makes sense. I was always missing pieces of the puzzle and that’s because my brain went into some self-preservation mode and concealed the truth.

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