Page 37 of Heart Sick

“The person in that car wanted him dead. They knew him…”

And then, everything fades to black.

I spring upright, my eyes popping open as I take in where I am. My breathing is erratic and I am drenched in sweat. Dr. Norton looks as if she’s seen a ghost or witnessed an exorcism. I don’t know what to think of any of this.

“Am I going crazy?” I ask, hating to use that phrase, but there are no other words for it. “I mean, Beethoven contemplated suicide after losing his hearing when he was twenty-eight. Is this what is happening to me? But instead of my hearing, I lost my heart.”

“But Beethoven composed some of music’s greatest masterpieces while completely deaf,” Dr. Norton counters, which is true.

“I don’t want to be completely deaf, though, because for me, deaf equates to dead. At least Beethoven could compose. I can’t hear a single thing, other than—” But I catch myself out before saying anything about Luna.

I don’t know why I don’t want Dr. Norton knowing about her. My gut is just telling me to keep her a secret.

“But we really shouldn’t be comparing myself to Beethoven,” I say, quickly changing the topic of conversation. “I can only wish to be as talented as him.”

“You’re very special. That was why I wanted to give you the transplant,” Dr. Norton reveals, a strain around her green eyes. “I wanted to help save you because not everyone gets the chance.”

Suddenly, I get the sense Dr. Norton is speaking from the heart.

“I feel terrible you’re going through these difficulties, but I don’t regret the decision I made. It saved your life, and your life is worth saving.”

I don’t know what to say as I suddenly feel so undeserving. She is right. I’m in the minority and here I am, bitching and moaning about getting a second chance at life. I don’t want to make Dr. Norton feel like shit.

She is going above and beyond for me when she doesn’t have to. She’s doing this as a favor to me.

“I’m sorry, this isn’t your fault at all,” I reveal, hoping she forgives me. “I am so thankful for you, for everything you’ve done. I just am…frustrated. I don’t understand what’s going on and the explanation you’ve given me sounds like something out of a B-grade horror movie.”

She runs a hand over her immaculate blonde hair. I’m clearly making her feel worse.

“I just want to play music again,” I confess, hoping I can express myself better this time.

“We all want that. Maybe if you start doing everyday, normal things it might help?” she suggests, and at this stage, I’m willing to try anything.

“I’ll ask your mom to bring in some of your things. Clothes. Personal items, those sorts of things.”

That sounds fucking dreadful because that means Dr. Norton thinks my stay here will be long term.

“Speaking of.” She stands and opens her desk drawer, producing a small bag. “Here.”

I peer inside and see my jewelry.

Instantly, my mood lifts because I’ve just been given back a part of myself. Seems trivial; something I took for granted gives me much joy. I slip on my rings and look at my hands. They look the same, but there’s one big difference—they can’t play.

Pushing aside my anger, I put on my chains, feeling at ease when the crucifix sits around my neck.

“I had an idea, but I’m not sure if it’s too soon.”

“Nothing is too soon. Every minute that passes feels like ten.”

Whatever she’s thinking, I’m ready to listen to because it can’t be any worse than her telling me the heart within my chest is making me one with its original owner.

She nods, and I watch with interest as Dr. Norton walks over to the record player in the corner of the room. I like that she doesn’t have some bullshit computerized gadget. “If this gets too much, you must tell me.”

Now my interest is really piqued.

I shuffle forward and place my elbows onto my thighs, interlacing my hands and wait. She moves with intent and I suddenly second-guess my willingness to obey.

“I’ve always loved music,” she begins, revealing something personal to no doubt distract me from what’s to come. “The way it’s able to transport you to another world. When you really connect with a piece of music, it allows you to escape and it also allows you to remember…”

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