Page 36 of Heart Sick

Shaking my head, I can’t kick the sudden sadness at the thought. “It wasn’t medical waste. It was my heart.”

This is totally irrational.

“It may have malfunctioned, but at least it allowed me to compose. It didn’t block me from feeling…anything. How is this possible?”

I know this sounds like the ramblings of a crazy person. Maybe I am.

“You spoke of memories? Visions? Can you share those?”

I dig into my psyche, but I know if I push too hard, I don’t think I’ll ever return. “This dude was one fucked-up asshole,” I say, suddenly feeling breathless, like I am running a football field. “He played football, right?”

Dr. Norton doesn’t need to answer. Her silence speaks volumes.

“He also liked to party. No wonder I can’t play music. With the amount of blow this guy did, I’m surprised it was a car that killed him and not the drugs.”

“How did you know he was involved in a car accident?” Dr. Norton asks calmly.

“You told me.”

“No, I didn’t,” she corrects. “I’ve been very mindful of the information I’ve shared with you. And that is something I am certain I did not reveal.”

“So he died in a car crash then?”

Again, I don’t need the doctor’s confirmation because I know that he did. I can see it.

“I am behind the wheel,” I say, the vision coming to me in a broken sequence. “I’m going out to get something for someone I love very much.”

His heart begins to beat faster.

“Music is playing over the speakers.” A smile instantly spreads across my face. “‘Heroes’ by David Bowie. I’m keeping to the speed limit. It’s raining.”

Swish.

Swish.

Swish.

The wipers lull me into an almost trance.

“What happens next?”

My eyelids flicker as I wade through the fog. I see bright lights. I feel panic.

“There’s a car on the other side of the road. No…”

“What’s wrong, Dutch?”

A pain strikes my temple and I gasp for air. The headlights are blinding and I shield my eyes.

“I don’t, I don’t understand,” I say as the memory appears as if…

“You don’t understand what?”

My head smashes into the steering wheel. The car was on its side of the road…and then it wasn’t. It was as if…

“It wasn’t an accident,” I reveal breathlessly, seeing and tasting his blood.

My head begins to pulse in and out on its own as my body begins to die.

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