Page 71 of Crybaby

“Afraid of what?” I bellow, interlacing my hands behind my neck and peering up at the ceiling, wishing I could escape.

“Afraid of this,” she whispers, confirming I look as crazy as I feel. “Afraid of what you’ll do when you find out who he is…and who is your—”

But she pauses, which confirms there is so much more to come.

When I think I can speak, I meet her tear-filled eyes. “Does Nonna know who he is?”

She nods slowly.

Every person I trusted has lied to me.

“Motherfucker,” I curse under my breath before rage overtakes me and I strike out with violence—it’s the only way I know.

With a roar, I punch the wall over and over again, ignoring my battered body protesting with every strike because the pain feels good—it makes me feel alive.

“Rev!” June screams, begging I stop.

But I can’t. I’m afraid of what’ll happen when I do. Only in the darkness and the depraved do the voices subside and I can breathe.

Blood stains the floor from my busted knuckles, and the contrast of it against the polished linoleum reminds me of the twenty-thousand-dollar painting I stole from Ms. Pitcher’s house months ago. It raked in a small fortune as I sold it to a guy who knows a guy.

I did that, I’ve done all of this for June to get us the fuck out of here to better our lives, but it was a waste. All I wanted to do was protect her, when in reality, my mother is a fucking liar. If only she told me who my father was sooner, I could have confronted him and asked why…why did he leave her?

Why did he leave me?

If he has lived here this entire time, then he would know who I am. He would have watched me grow up, yet he chose to remain silent. He chose to watch me from afar because he didn’t want to be my father.

He never wanted to be. If he had, he would have told me who he was years ago.

The thought destroys me in ways I never imagined as it was easier accepting him to be a nobody, just some passerby my mom had a one-night fling with. But to know he’s been here this entire time, it fucking stings.

He could have told me anytime he wanted, but he didn’t because he never wanted me to know.

My body surrenders, and I slump to both knees, cradling my head in my bloodied hands. In this circumstance, the normal response would be for most to cry. But I can’t. I physically can’t shed a tear because my body refuses to shed one ounce of sadness for a man who never cared.

And I’m not a fucking baby.

I think of Darcie and how none of this would have happened if I had never left her alone the night of prom. I made that choice with June in mind. I chose her over Darcie’s safety, and I’ll never forgive myself for it.

But lesson learned because I’ll never make that mistake ever again.

My life suddenly seems so pointless. I’ve done all this for a liar, for someone who could have chosen to better our lives. But she chose the coward’s way out, and instead of facing her demons, she fucking ran away.

On this cold floor, I am reborn, and as I lift my chin to look at June, she knows it too. She knows this is it this time. I am done saving her because the truth is, she never wanted to be saved.

I lift my broken body, on the inside as well as on the outside, but I use the pain as my motivation not to look back.

I take one final look at my mother and memorize her face because I don’t know when I’ll see it again.

I will find out who my father is and the secrets he protects on my own because that’s all I’ve been my entire life; until I met Darcie. We are two broken pieces who somehow fit together, and I’ll try for the rest of my life to help put her back together again.

I don’t bother with goodbyes.

Turning my back, I cut ties with the old Rev and make way for the new me.

“I’m so sorry. Please forgive me,” June says, her voice quivering. “I love you…Augustine.”

And with that, I leave behind the woman who is nothing but a stranger to me.

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