Page 66 of Mafie Kings

After a minute, Lev lets go. He doesn’t say anything. Just picks up his pizza and kicks his feet up on the table. I grab my pizza and hit play on the remote. We fall into a comfortable silence watching the movie, laughing our asses off when Kate Hudson begins decorating the house with pink, girly shit.

About halfway through the movie, Lev throws his arm around my shoulders and pulls me into him. I let him, not wanting to ruin this time of peace. It’s odd to me that his presence alone can calm me enough to make me forget about my end goal. Damien makes me laugh and remember I’m only twenty-one years old and that it’s okay to have fun. But Lev, he brings me peace. Like the world stops and waits for me to catch my breath when I’m in his arms.

That thought stirs something deep inside of me, something I don’t understand. All of a sudden, I feel myself start shaking and sweat coats my brow. I try to focus only on breathing in and out, but things start to turn fuzzy.

This is not happening right now.

Not wanting Lev to see me in a full-blown panic attack, I jump up from the couch. He shouts at me, but my mind doesn’t register his words. I grab my bag from by the door and run down the stairs, not stopping until the cool night air hits my face.

Tears are rolling down my cheeks as I collapse against the side of the building. I clench my fists trying desperately to stop the shaking. Darkness starts to cloud my vision as I try to catch my breath. This feeling, it’s the worst feeling in the world. In this moment, I have no control over my body. Anyone could come and grab me, and there would be nothing I could do about it.

That thought sends me into another bout of hyperventilating. I squeeze my eyes shut trying to focus. Five things. What are my five things? What are five things I can see? I open my eyes, blinking away the fog as I force myself out of my head. My bag, the sky, the trees, the building, and the lights near the running trail.

Tears are still falling, but I move to four things I can hear. The ocean in the distance, and someone in the building just across the way playing Lady Gaga.Wait, isn’t that a guy's building? Whatever, good for him. Love what you love man.Two more. A door closing. The sound of my breathing. The shaking gets better, so I push forward.

Three things I can feel. I move my hands around, brushing the grass underneath me, the roughness of the brick building behind me, and the softness of my sweatpants. A sweat breaks out over my body, telling me it’s almost over. The hormones that made me react are crashing and causing my body to sweat them out.

Two things I can smell. I close my eyes, lean my head back against the building, and take a deep breath. I can smell the ocean air, the salt mixed with the freshness of the grass around. A familiar scent fills my nose, and I open my eyes to Lev running to me.

“Are you okay?” he asks, frantically. “What the hell happened?”

I'm not to the point where I can answer him yet. I grab my bag and open the zipped compartment in the back, pulling out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. My hands are shaking so bad I can’t seem to get the damn thing lit.

“Now you're smoking? You ran out of there like your ass was on fire just so you could come out here to smoke?” He bends down in front of me, grabbing the lighter out of my hand and seems to notice how badly I’m still shaking. He lights it up and holds it out so I can finally get some relief.

I still don't answer him. I breathe in the vaporized death, praying it will kill the panic inside me. I’m not a smoker, but sometimes when the panic attacks hit hard enough, the cigarette helps take the edge off enough for me to come back to myself quicker. I don’t tell Lev how the thought of him and Damien making me feel safe and at peace is what caused this reaction.

How messed up can a person be that they panic when they feel safe?

Lev takes the hint that I’m not going to respond and moves to sit beside me. “Your shirt is torn,” he states, brushing his hand over where I must have fallen into the wall. I wince slightly when he touches it, only now noticing I’m bleeding. I ignore it for now and focus on the cigarette. If I think about the blood, I’ll want to cut myself even more, and no one needs to see that side of me.

When I make it down to the end of the bud and stamp it out in the grass, Lev tries to speak again.

“I didn’t know you smoked,” he says.

“I normally don’t…” I say as I place the stamped-out cigarette back in the box until I can throw it away properly. “Sometimes I just need to kill a small part of myself so that I can come to terms with reality.”

He nods, letting his head tilt back and rest on the wall. “So, what part of yourself did you feel the need to kill tonight?” he asks with a bit of sarcasm lacing his tone. Not enough to be rude, just like he’s trying to lighten the mood.

I smile as I close my eyes and lean my head back on the building with him. “The fear.”

“And what is the great Evie James afraid of?” he questions, full-on sarcastic now.

I open my eyes and turn to look into his. “You.” His brows pinch in confusion for a moment before everything seems to click in his head.

He leans into me, grabs my face, and kisses me with the force of a hurricane. His assault on my mouth is violent enough that I feel like my lips will bruise, but at the same time, his hands are soft and roaming. Careful not to touch where I’m scraped up.

He fists my hair in his hand and pulls back from our kiss, breathless. “Is this what you’re afraid of?”

In a soft whisper, I tell him the truth that’s been haunting me since the moment he interrupted my run, “Yes.”

Suddenly he’s standing and pulling me up with him. That’s when I realize I’m no longer shaking. He guides me until my back hits the wall and cages me in with his arms. “I’m going to give you one chance to tell me no,” he says before kissing me again, causing my head to spin before his lips leave mine again.

“Tell me to stop and I’ll walk away.” His hand cradles my face, our bodies pressed against each other so tightly I can feel his impressive length hardening against me. “Tell me,” he demands.

For a moment, time stands still. I’m not sure how all of this started. I’ve never wanted a guy like this before. I’ve always assumed they would all use me and then toss me to the side, so I never gave them the chance. But here and now, with Lev, the last thing I want is for him to walk away.

I move my hnd up to grab the back of his head, throwing caution to the wind as I say, “Don’t you dare fucking stop.” I force his mouth to mine and let the world fade away.

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