Page 87 of Devotion

But Sergio isn't mine, and he never was. That much is true.

There's nothing to keep me in Boston now. I have the money I need.

I can't stay in a place where I'm not wanted or welcome.

I think about the money that I have sitting in my bank account and comfortably in my wallet. It was supposed to be reassuring. It was the whole purpose of my leaving to begin with, to earn this money I have now.

But there’s no triumph or victory in gaining what I came for. I found and lost everything I needed.

We take a stop at a rest area. I look at the restaurants and gift shops, and I know for the first time in my entire life, I could buy anything I wanted. There's nothing here too expensive for me anymore.

But it doesn't matter. None of it really matters because money can't buy what I really want. I know that now.

Maybe I've always known that.

My belly churns with hunger. I don't remember the last time I ate something, and I realize I probably should do something about that if I'm going to keep my energy up. I walk in a daze to the snack bar and buy a bag of chips and a ginger ale. I hand the cashier a twenty and tell her to keep the change. I just don’t care anymore.

They’re tasteless.

Returning to the bus and navigating down the narrow aisle to my seat, I try to get excited about being back with my sister, but I haven't even begun to unravel the logistics of how that will happen.

First, I have to return to the fellowship. I don't even want to think about what they’ll do to me when they see me.

Maybe I should go in with the police.

What would that entail? Would they even believe me?

No, I don't want to do that. That would mean trials, and litigation, and probably endless questions about my affiliation with the Montavios. I don't want anyone involved in my sister’s business but me.

I think about getting a dog, another one, but this time, a vicious one instead of a little fluff ball like Daisy. Something that will protect me.

But in the end, all I take is myself. Just me. I don't buy a weapon, I don't even buy so much as a stick of gum. There's just me, my money, and my will. But maybe my will means more than I think. I imagine I'm dropped in the middle of the Siberian cold, and that home is ahead of me. I imagine that I have to find my way out of there.

Is this really any different?

We pull up to the bus station, on what feels like the close of the day, but what really is a bookend. My life at the fellowship, long days filled with the hope of getting out, and my life after the fellowship before coming back.

I found myself with Sergio, at the club, with his family. With people who, for the first time in my life, I could call friends. And it felt like that was the only time, the only chapter in this volume of my life… where I really truly lived.

I know it's up to me now. I have to get Starla, and we’ll write our next chapter. I just don't know every word that will take me from one sentence to the next.

It's late at night. Entering the station lobby, I briefly contemplate going to a hotel, formulating a plan.

But if it's dark back at the fellowship, it will be easier for me to sneak in. I look at the clock on the station wall and remember the plan that Starla and I made way back months ago for me to get out. How the guard would take a break by the gate at nine o'clock, and there would be a gap between guards passing, when the elders in the fellowship would have their meeting.

That was the only way I had escaped to begin with, though I do wonder if they've made a change so that no one else can escape.

I have no weapons, not that I would know how to use them. But I don't even have anything to defend myself.

I hate that I've come here alone, especially when being with Sergio would make this so much easier. But I also know that he isn't mine, and I can't break my heart any more than he already has.

I stand there in the station, my heart in my throat. Trembling a little, my only companion the memory of how I've already overcome everything. I can take the next step, and easily.

I change my mind and decide I'll call the police. I'll tell them everything and deal with whatever fallout I need to.

For one moment, it all looks so clear to me. They'll have to escort me to the fellowship when they find out what happened. I will get Starla. I'm an adult now, I can be her legal guardian. My sister and me, just the two of us, starting out on our own.

I look at my bag and remember I left my cell phone back in Boston. Well, surely there must be a way to get to the police station.

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