Page 57 of Devotion

"Talk, baby. You're doing that thing again." Sergio brushes hair out of my eyes and holds my gaze with one phrase. “Look at me.”

I clear my throat. “What thing?"

"That thing where you're pulling back because you're letting something hold onto you. Like you have all these fears, and you don't want to say them out loud. Give me that heart check. What's going on?"

I draw in a shaky breath, because how do you tell someone your hopes and dreams? How do you tell someone that you're looking to them for some kind of salvation… for more than what humans ourselves are even capable of.

I want him to rescue me and at the same time I wanna rescue myself, and I'm confused, and I don't know how to say what’s in my heart. I don't know how to give voice to my fears.

But I try.

"I shouldn't want you to touch me. I shouldn't want you to be… intimate with me. We're not married."

"And the man that you’re separated from didn't touch you the way you wanted him to or the way you deserved to be touched."

I nod because it's true.

"Are you afraid about what might happen to you?”

“Of course. I'm afraid of… rejection. I'm afraid that… all the things they told me would happen to me if I didn't do the right thing, are going to. And I can't even begin to sort out truth from fiction anymore. So it just scares me.”

He slides me to the floor. Threads his fingers through my hair. His voice is low and contemplative when he speaks. “Believe me when I tell you, I am not a religious person. I mean, the priest at the church down the street would laugh until he died if I said that I was religious. But I can tell you this much. I don't know if I could worship someone who’s looking to trip me up. I don't know what those men did to you. I don't know what those people did to you.” He shakes his head. “Again, babe, I amnota religious man, so I can't talk about religion. But I do knowpeople. And I know that you're worthy of a lot more than you've ever been given."

I squirm uncomfortably because I don't know how to unpack all this or what to do with it.

I want to believe him.

I want to think that what he says is the truth, but I don't know. Maybe we don’t need to have all the answers right now. “Sergio, can we change the subject?"

He nods and releases me, putting his hands into the pockets of his sweats. “Of course. I wanted to see how you are. I’ve got a big job to do today and it's going to take me out of here. I can't stay for long." He gives me a slow smile, leans in closer, and rubs his thumb along the apple of my cheek. "But tonight, Eden. Tonight, we play."

He kisses my cheek and leaves me with a pounding heart and a craving for a lot more.

I usually like the work that I do but today I don't because all I can think about is this. Playing.

I try to stay focused. There's a lot of talk about Mario doing better, and I wish I could see him. But I even overhear someone saying that Sergio saved his life. What is that about?

I wonder why Sergio thinks he isn’t a good man. I've never known anybody better. I try to tell myself that I don't really know him at all and that there are things about him that are going to scare me. It’s hard to believe any of the rumors I've heard flying around the club, though. Maybe I don't want to know.

No.I've spent my life believing lies. The last thing I want to do is tell myself another one.

But I love the way I feel with him. I know it can be scary and dangerous and the people in the club obey him as if they are afraid… but theirs is a different kind of fear.

I've been around a man everyone touted as “good.” As the best there was. A leader of the community, a veritable pillar. My parents burst their bubbles when my engagement to Seth was announced.

But now I know that all of that was just… misleading. False. We have very different definitions of what it means to be “good.”

I put myself to work in the kitchen. That I know.

"Oh my God. Eden. No. Are you even serious? Ahhhhh!"

I look up in surprise to see my friend Quinn. The potato peeler in my hand clatters to the countertop, and I gasp. "Quinn!"

"Oh my God, they told me you were here, but I didn't wanna believe it."

"Why?" I say with a laugh.

She gives me a funny look. "Because this is a sex club, babe. You are Amish. I don't want you to be defiled. Like, there’s… how do I say it… a shortage of good people in the world and you are one of them. And we need to keep those people safe." She says this as if it's simple, as if she doesn't rock my entire world calling me good.

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