Page 12 of Brighton

The cold fingers of mortification run through my blood while shame encases me like fiery second skin.

I don’t go back to the house, but I do go home. I spend the night in the barn where I’d stashed a change of clothes. I’d hoped I needed these for a wholly different purpose. Jeans, tee, flannel, and boots. Thank goodness for my armor. I know who I am in these stables. I cannot be denied here.

After taking Brooks for a night time ride, I fall asleep in the hay, dried up, emotionally spent, and fucking done with Elias Finchley.

Once and for all.

* * *

The water scalds me,and I stand under it, accepting the burn, welcoming the pain. It doesn’t take long for the fight to leave me, and my legs give out. I fall to my ass on the shower floor, the stone cold and biting, and curl into a ball until I fear the water will run cold.

It never has a chance to, because strong arms lift me, and I find myself cradled to a hard chest. Eli sets me on the counter and grabs a towel in the second place he looks. He pulls it over my body and through my hair before lifting me to his still wet chest and carrying me to bed.

He throws the covers over both of us and turns my back to his front. When a new round of tears bursts through my walls, he holds me tighter, stroking my hair, saying nothing.

“Eli?”

Silence.

“Eli?”

“Hmm?”

“I’m sorry.”

A squeeze silences me.

“I—”

“Don’t.” The word slices through me.

He’s angry. I’ve hurt him. And I can do fuck all about it.

“Eli—”

“Don’t,” he growls. “I’m doing everything I can not to lose my shit. Do not blow up what little calm I’m holding onto.”

The lump in my throat grows, and I try to swallow past it. I’m certain he can feel me nod.

Today was a nightmare. Tonight was no better.

I can’t imagine how I’ll sleep or what my mind will concoct when I dream after losing Mom. The nightmare of reality entwined with night terrors in sleep. There’s no way to win.

Eventually, I drift, but wake up crying.

Strong arms encircle me.

Strong arms I dreamed of for years.

Strong arms I roll and burrow into.

I cry myself dry and let sleep suck me under.

When I wake, I’m alone. My bed is cold where Eli slept, and another round of tears overwhelms me.

I finally had my chance, and he slipped through my fingers.

Fuck my life.

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