Page 84 of Never Say Never

I know I shouldn’t have been in the back of that ambulance. I should have let him work on her. But I wasn’t going to let her go. Not without me by her side.

If Brandi died—I needed to be there. Like some kind of incompetent god. And now? She’s in surgery and I can’t sit in that fucking waiting room with half the force, dispatch, and my parents. Everyone who cares about her and me, I can’t do it.

I can’t.

So I came here, using the fact I look like their newest surgeon to get in through the doors. The fact that I’m wearing scrubs he gave me to get out of blood-soaked clothes didn’t hurt, either.

I don’t know if Brandi’s going to make it but I’ll send as many prayers as I can to entities I don’t believe in to save her.

I’ll kill for her.

Do anything.

But it can’t end here, not if I can help it.

And I can’t.

I can’t do a damn thing.

“Fuck you,” I whisper to the body of the woman who stole everything from me.

Jessica is dead and I don’t feel a thing for her at all.

I turn and walk away to what I hope will be my future.

To wait for word on Brandi.

“There you are.” Tyler catches me in the hall and it’s obvious where I was. “You shouldn’t have gone there, you know.”

“I don’t give a fuck.”

“Seeing her… it won’t help. Won’t change a thing about what she did.”

I stop and lean against the wall in the preternatural quiet of this gleaming hallway. Of course it’s that certain kind of quiet. This is the hall that the dead pause in before they journey on to their final resting place.

“This is all my fault. If I treated Brandi more like a partner, more like she should have been treated instead of like she might break or dissolve, then she wouldn’t be up there. Wouldn’t be fighting for her life.” I look at him. “They said it’s touch and go. If she survives the operation, if she survives tonight, she has a chance.”

My brother nods, leans against the opposite wall, and we look at each other. “There are speeches I could give, things I know I need to say, but none of them are worth shit, Trav. There’s nothing I can do right now to save her. I did what I could, and now I hope it was enough.”

“Brandi is everything to me. I wasn’t ready to admit it until a little too late. I was too fucking busy giving her what I thought she wanted instead of throwing dignity to the wind and begging her to stay to give us that chance. I didn’t go and prove how much I love her. I was too busy comparing the past to now and trying to work out if history—on my part—was repeating again.”

There’s silence and I take a breath.

“I never really loved Jessica. I thought I did. When she cheated, convinced you that she loved you, I should have warned you. I should have forgiven you. I was young and stupid and then couldn’t get out of my own way when it came to the best thing that happened to me and now, because of me, Brandi might die.”

I’m vaguely aware of the naked honesty of this conversation that’s with myself just as much as it is with Tyler.

“I don’t give a fuck about what happened. You’re my brother. Nothing else matters.”

He’s nodding, and I can see him swallowing the same emotion I’m feeling.

“And you know the real fucked-up thing?” I ask. “I’m wondering if it’s best I just let her go when this is all done. When she makes it through this. Because we had our chance. I blew it. If she stays, if I convince her, then she has to stay and be reminded of everything. She’s had a fucked-up life and the Masterson clan just add to that.”

“Bullshit.”

“Excuse me?”

“Fucking bullshit from a fucking idiot. I met that girl being operated on and she’s…” He shakes his head and laughs. “Pretty awesome actually. Fucked-up life? People have those. Jessica had that.”

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