Page 43 of Never Give Up

That is him all over, isn’t it? Everything neat and compartmentalized.

I want to punch him, I really do.

“What do you want, Brian?” I let all the emotion I’ve been swallowing down for the last few weeks come flowing into my voice. “You’ve made yourself as clear as mud lately. So if there’s anything you want to get out, then—”

“Maya, don’t.”

“You’re an ass, Brian.” I clench the fingers of my good hand, but don’t raise it from my side. “What do you want from me?”

He pushes a hand over his head and frowns, the way he does when he wants to say something important but is struggling to figure out the words, so I wait and keep down all the things I want to throw at him, all the things that will never make a difference. Especially not now.

I mean, look at me.

In the reflection of the glass windows, I see the dark circles under my eyes and the way I’m hunched over.

I’m nothing like who I used to be…

No, I am not going there.

“You’re supposed to be healing.” He reaches for me, but I step back.

“That’s it?”

“Yes. We’re friends. I know… well, that doesn’t matter, but I don’t want you to think you don’t matter. You do.”

“I don’t need your pity.”

“It’s not pity. It’s—”

“Oh, Brian?” Sarcasm leaks into my words. “It’s not? Then what could it possibly be if it’s not that?”

He recoils at my words but I tell myself not to care. To keep the shield up that I’ve worked so hard to build.

“Maya, please.” He blows out a breath. “It’s not as simple or straightforward as you think. But I’m here for you now.”

“Now?Now?” I shake my head. “Now? I don’t need guilt or pity from anyone. Especially you.”

“That isn’t fair.”

“What do you want me to say that’s fair, Brian? You’ve texted, called, come over endlessly to check on me… But you haven’t said anything. At least, not anythingreal.”

Please don’t see me cry.

“I just want to know you’re all right. I’m here.”

But you don’t see me.

“You’re here? Now? And you want to know I’m all right? You want me to tell you it’s fine, I’m fine?”

I’m not fine, Brian.

“Yes…”

My blood boils, and the rage pours out of me like fire, my words dripping with a hatred I hadn’t known existed before that moment.

“Do you know that you’re the only reason I’m alive? That thinking of you is the reason that I was able to stay quiet when he threatened to kill the people I care about?” I should stop talking, but the anger is in control, a live thing, intent on eating everything. A fire in the pit of my stomach, and it wants to be free. “Did you want to hear that while he choked me, over and over again, all I could think about is the fact that I hadn’t even lived yet? That no one’s loved me? Does that make you think I’m all fine?”

He looks at me with empty eyes, just absorbing everything I spill out. Every single word of it is true.

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