Page 9 of Never Give Up

Jealousy the likes of which I’ve never felt before roars in my chest, demanding I take action. That I mark her as mine. “Jake…”

“Lucky for you, we both know my love life is fucked beyond repair. You’re going to let Maya go because you’re stupid. Now, there’s a possibility that she’s in danger, and you’re just gonna treat it like any other case, when we both know it’s not. That she’s not the same as anyone else. I’m disappointed in you.” Disgust darkens Jake’s face as he walks away.

I stand in silence as Jake’s cruiser pulls out of Maya’s driveway. What could I have told him? He’s absolutely right, but that doesn’t mean I can change any of it. I already know I don’t deserve her. Letting her go before I break her is the right thing to do.

Sitting there outside Maya’s house like a creepy asshole, I watch her move in the shadows behind her windows.

For a fraction of a second, I swear I can see her watching me through the darkness, but she’s not. I’m only imagining what I want to happen. Because if I saw her right now, I wouldn’t be able to walk away. I’m already hanging on by a thread.

Leaving her in the office kitchen was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I’ve handled the worst of mankind.

So I hold on to the smallest shred of restraint that I have left.

I have nothing to offer you.

The silent words are the only plea I send in her direction.

I’m an idiot.

But then again, that’s not news to me. Walking away from Maya was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life.

Still, I don’t have a choice. Maya doesn’t belong in my world. So full of light and happiness and the possibility of a future. One I can’t give her.

I’m in my vehicle on the way home before I change my mind and break into her house so that I can claim her.

“You’re an idiot.” The words don’t echo, but I honestly don’t expect them to.

The years I’ve spent talking to myself in an empty cruiser have taught me exactly how muffled the conversation really is. And the demons in my chest aren’t going to answer.

That doesn’t stop me from saying them. Or from thinking about Maya and all thewhat-ifsI didn’t tell another living soul about.

What if I told her about my feelings?

What if I kissed her the first time I had a chance?

What if I stopped ignoring the way she looked at me when no one else was paying attention?

What if I claimed her the way I wanted?

What if I gave her the truth?

What if I let her see the darkness festering in my soul, waiting to claim her for its own?

But I know better.

I don’t deserve her.

I’ll just ruin her like everything else in my life.

Who else has their ex babysitting their kids most nights?

And our breakup wasn’t even Ashley’s fault. It was mine. I never loved her.

Sometimes I catch her looking at me in ways that should break my heart. And it doesn’t. What does that make me?

When I get home and sign off duty over my radio, I take my time getting inside. It’s after seven in the morning when I finally walk through the door to silence. I unbutton my shirt, take off my bulletproof vest, and kick off my shoes in the mudroom, just like I do after every shift. When I make my way to the living room, my pants are the only thing left on, a fresh t-shirt in one hand and my phone in the other.

Ashley is sitting on the couch, her blue eyes rimmed with red like she’s been crying all night. Her blond hair is pulled back into a messy bun, and she’s wearing an old shirt of mine that says Sheriff’s Department in black across the front. Her knees are pressed up against her chest. One more reason I’m an asshole. I don’t really care that she’s been crying. I just want to go to bed.

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