Page 51 of Never Give Up

“Hey now, what’s wrong?”

I try to speak but can’t and instead, I start to sob silently. I don’t even know why I’m crying at first, but everything is just too much. Everything is too overwhelming. I can’t handle it. My skin is on fire, and there are lights shining at the edges of my closed eyes. I can’t take a breath. I can’t speak. I can’t do anything except panic against his touch.

Here Brian is, literally holding me and I don’t know what to do except cry.

My stupid heart wants to take what he’s offering but it can’t.

I slump against him and grab his shoulders while I’m struggling to see through the tears that are falling down my cheeks. Instead of letting go, his hands move until he’s holding me against him.

“Fuck. No, don’t cry. Come here.”

Brian doesn’t let go as he moves so that he’s sitting next to me on the couch, pulling me onto his lap where I curl into a ball.

Because that’s what feels right.

Crying. In his arms. With my head pressing against his chest.

“Maya, when you cry, it breaks my heart. I can’t stand it.” His words are soft, and he’s rubbing a hand up and down my back while I let it all out.

I don’t lift my face from his chest, don’t care that I’m not being as strong as I should be. All I want is everything to fade away except for the two of us. I don’t want to think about what has happened to me. I just want him there, holding me and making everything alright.

Finally, when the tears stop, I lift my face from him. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, please.” He eases away from me and brushes the last remnants of tears from my cheeks, staring at me until a small remnant of calm washes over me. “There. Come here.”

He pulls me back to his chest and lies down with me. When I’m settled in against him, he reaches up and pulls the quilt off the back of the couch and covers us both.

My tears slow, and he strokes a hand down my spine. Brushing away the pain and memories I didn’t know were still haunting.

“Do you know what I thought about you the first time I saw you?” he asks. “It was the day you came in for your interview, and I’m sure it had been snowing outside because you were bundled up more than anyone I’ve ever known. I remember saying ‘I don’t think she’s from Maine’ to Jake. But then you started working, and you were different.”

His voice calms me, a soothing balm over my skin, in my soul. Fixing what I know is broken, but don’t understand why or how it’s even possible.

“I told myself I was crazy. That there’s no way you werethatperfect. You were just so happy and cheerful. So much life and light in your soul, and it never wavered, even after the attack. God, I thought you were strange, too. But I also got to know you, and I craved the time spent talking to you, to the point that I would type out a text ten times a day, even when I wasn’t at work, but I’d never send.” He stops talking and just keeps touching my back and his hand slips under my shirt.

“The worst moment for me was realizing I could only ever be your friend. That moment stuck with me and burned itself into my mind for a lot longer than I’d like. You just had your first terrible call, and I watched you handle it the best you could.” He waits a few moments before continuing, and I remember the call he’s talking about.

“Then you hung up and ran out of dispatch. I wanted to chase you. I wanted to make it better or even to just hold you. But I couldn’t. So I know about pushing you away, because if I didn’t push, then I’d let you in. And doing that? That would have destroyed anything between us before it could ever really start.”

“Brian?” I whisper.

He holds me gently in his arms. “Yeah?”

“Why won’t you kiss me?”

“If I kiss you, I’m not going to stop.”

“I don’t want you to stop.”

Fuck it.

Instead of waiting for him to make the first move, I do it. In moments, my lips are pressed against his.

Brian?

Something inside him snaps when our lips touch, because I feel him clutch at my back, pulling my body closer to his while he deepens the kiss.

“I told you,” he murmurs against my lips a moment later. “I’m not going to stop unless you tell me you don’t want me.”

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