Page 50 of Never Give Up

“Well, then I’ll come inside.” Once we’re inside, which is both a blessing and a curse, he locks the door. “Best to be extra safe, after all.”

“What do you want, Brian?” I try to work up the courage to pull my hand from his grip, but I don’t try very hard.

Looking down at our joined hands before he says anything, I know I’m about to feel more than I want to.

He doesn’t disappoint.

“I want you. I’ve only ever wanted you.” Glancing up, I get caught up in the expression held in his eyes. “And if I have to beg you, every single day for the rest of my life, for one more chance, that’s what I’ll do. Say the word, and I’ll cut out my own heart if that’s what it takes. The damn thing is useless without you anyway.”

“I think I’m hallucinating.” Yes, I say the words out loud, because we’re talking some crazy shit, and I don’t even know what to say. “Some days I just want to pack up and get the hell out of town. Some days I don’t think I can go into my room. But I’m staying here, in this house, in this town, and no one’s chasing me away, and I’m doing good. Some days are better than others, but then others, I’m hiding under the blankets like they’ll keep the monsters away from me.” His fingers caress my skin. “I don’t know how many times I’ve wanted, or even hoped, that you felt that way about me. But I don’t think we have anything to talk about. I meant it earlier. When I said there’s nothing for us.”

Does my heart break while I say those words? Absolutely. But will it hurt even more for me to let Brian in, only for him to decimate my soul? One hundred percent.

“No. Actually, I don’t think we’re done talking yet,” Brian says while he brushes a strand of hair out of my face and tucks it behind my ear. “Why don’t you go change into your pajamas so you can relax? I’ll still be here when you get back.”

He looks at me with a crooked smile and I’m taken back to another moment between us. One where I told him about my need tonotwear pants from the moment I get home until I have to walk out the door for work.

He can’t remember that, though.

I look at him and raise my eyebrows. “What?”

“Maya. I remember everything about you and the look on your face tells me that you’re going back through time to figure out how I would know. Go. Change. The fight I see brewing in your eyes, the one demanding that you hurt me as much as I hurt you, will wait until you get back.” He waves me away and takes his utility belt off, putting it on the recliner before sitting on the couch. “And you should be comfortable if you’re going to tear my heart out with your hands.” He shoots me a half smile, and I’m pretty sure my brain is imploding.

Before I can second-guess myself, I change into a pair of black leggings and an oversized off-the-shoulder shirt, then go back down to the living room to see him staring at my feet.

Why am I being so weak?

It’s not weakness.

That inner voice sitting in the pit of my stomach is there, reminding me that I’ve come so far, and giving in to his smile is walking right back into the heartbreak that only he can put me through.

He looks up at me when I slide onto the couch, and I’m barely holding on to my sanity, let alone my panties at this point. “Don’t laugh. I love these pajamas.”

“Trust me, laughing is the last thing on my mind.” I watch his fingers clench and unclench before he clears his throat. “You’re beautiful.” His eyes are bright in the muted light of my living room.

“You can leave now.” I try and fail to keep from blushing at the compliment, but he’s never called me beautiful before. I have to forcefully remind myself of that fact. Especially when everything about this moment feels right. Like we’re supposed to be here. Right now. Together.

“You’re pushing me away, Maya. You don’t owe me, or anyone else, anything. But I’m hoping you’ll tell me. I just want to know why.”

I can’t tell him. I can’t give him that piece of me. Because when the debris settles after the words come out, he’ll be gone and I’ll be alone and miserable all over again. “No.” But the word doesn’t come out with force. It barely makes it out of my mouth at all because I don’t really mean it.

I want him to know.

I just… can’t find the strength to utter the words.

And then he’s there, kneeling in front of me, holding my face in his hands while he watches me carefully.

“You’re not someone to be pitied or to work on like a project or something to be fixed. I’m not asking because I’m going to walk out the door and hurt you. I’m asking because if I don’t know, I can’t fix it.”

“If—” I start and stop just as suddenly. “I have to push you away, Brian.” Closing my eyes so I don’t see the hurt in his reflect back at me, I fight to keep my heart from beating too fast. “I have to. Because if I don’t push you away, I’ll let you in. Then you’ll have the power to destroy me.”

“Maya, I screwed up, and I know it. In all kinds of ways. But I’m here. I am. And I’m not going anywhere. Not unless you tell me there’s no chance in hell that you’ll ever give me a chance.” Brian brushes his thumb over my cheek, but I still can’t open my eyes. I’m too scared.

His breath dances across my skin, and I feel the warmth of his lips at my ear.

“The only thing I want to break is your bed.”

My heart starts racing even faster, and my legs start shaking. I try to take a deep breath, but all I smell is him. It’s overwhelming, and my breathing starts to get raspy and shallow. The shaking spreads from my legs to my entire body and I can’t make it stop.

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