Page 196 of Dirty Padraig: Dirty Dusters

I watch as they look around the modern white and grey interior, their eyes stopping on the ancient cream leather sofa that I’ll never part with and which looks so out of place.

I guess, in some ways, I’m welcoming them fully into my life by welcoming them into my childhood home—the place I shared with my pop, and then Ace, and then with my babies.

I watch as Eoin looks at the images of me and Ace. He then moves on to the ones of me as a young girl. Back when I was PJ to everyone who knew me.

I was always PJ to Ace.

Can he see the ten-year gap when I ran out on my best friend? Because it’s all I see every time I look at those images.

I walk across to where Irish is looking at all the photos of Fin. I can see the tears shining in his eyes as he thinks about everything he missed out on. “Can I have a few, darlin’? I… don’t have any.” He lets out a sob—my beautiful, emotional Irish.

I take his hand in mine and squeeze it. Then I motion my head for him to follow me.

As soon as we step inside, he looks around the little bedroom in its shades of blue with its childlike motorcycle theme going on. He already knows it’s Fin’s room. I watch as he walks around. Touching things. Picking them up. Smelling them. Of course, I feel guilty. I will always feel guilty.

I open the little blue wardrobe and take out the storage box. I place it on top of the matching chest of drawers and lift the lid.

I struggle to speak at first as my own emotions get the better of me. “Every picture and video ever taken of Fin was always duplicated. They’re all in here. All of his firsts are also in here. His first blanket. His first toy. His first soother. I don’t need them. I was there. You weren’t, so I saved them all for you. I know it’s not the same, but I tried my hardest to capture every memory.”

He looks inside the box with tears rolling down his cheeks before pulling me into his arms.

“I’m so fucking sorry, Irish,” I sob.

We stand, offering as much comfort to each other as we can. He doesn’t speak or acknowledge my apology. I know he still hasn’t forgiven me. I’m not sure that he ever will. I did what I thought was best at the time, and sometimes that’s all you can do.

I leave him looking through the contents, noticing that my childhood bedroom door is now ajar. I step inside to find Eoin staring out the window. I gaze around the pink-walled room with its four-poster bed and all of its sparkly, feathery, and glittery things going on before walking across to stand beside him.

“I told you I had a pink fluffy bedroom. I wasn’t a total tomboy.” I smile, but then it fades. “Ace and I never had the heart to take it apart. It held way too many memories. We figured if we ever had a little girl, it would be perfect for her.”

I look up at him, and he turns to face me fully, cupping my chin in his strong hand. “You can still have that little girl, Jaine.”

I realize now that I want that. I want more children. With Eoin or with Irish? Right now, it doesn’t matter. Not when I’m once again living on borrowed time.

“I’d like that,” I whisper.

He presses his lips gently against mine. It’s a kiss of love.

At least I know Eoin loves me.

CHAPTERSIXTY-SIX

PADRAIG

Jaine’s Home, Rising, California

I stareat the box of baby things.

In many ways, I was lucky. I’ve only had to live with the regret of not knowing I had a son for a short while. Jaine’s had to live with her guilt from the moment he was born.

She’s clearly always been thinking of me.

I stare at the first image ever taken.

I remember receiving it moments after Fin entered the world. It’s of him and Ace. I smile at the size of the tiny bundle held ever so gently in the arms of the muscular, heavily-inked biker. A mop of black hair peeks out from the top of white swaddling.

I remember feeling jealous at the time. That Ace had everything I ever wanted. Jaine. A son. Ace knew he was mine, but he loved him unconditionally all the same.

I flick through the countless images. There are so many, and all were taken from the second Fin was born until her entire family was plucked from Rising ahead of time.

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