Page 121 of Dirty Padraig: Dirty Dusters

I shouldn’t be here today. Or at least not at this time of day.

Not when Jaine’s home.

She now knows about my Sophia-inflicted ban. Even though I’m not permitted to, I had to see her one last time.

I haven’t signed the contract yet, but I’ll have no choice now that Sophia’s back from Sicily. All of my requests have been accepted. Nothing is now stopping me and her from creating a child together.

But I don’t want to.

I want to go back in time because I demand a do-over. I want to see the girl standing in front of me, pregnant with my offspring, because I didn’t get to witness it first time around. I stare at the love of my life as she stands at the front door of my family home. At the girl I willingly pushed back into the arms of my brother to keep her and Fin safe.

My gaze drifts to her hand. It’s absent of the obscene engagement ring I thought Eoin would have insisted she wear once again. All so he can show off to the world that she’s his.

By default.

“How have you been, Jaine?” Those words seem wrong. They seem insignificant when compared to everything we’ve been through together.

I watch her. She looks as confused as I feel. She’s searching for something worthwhile to say in response to my mediocre question. Like me, she’s struggling to find words when there are none suitable.

Although under a fucked-up set of circumstances, we lived together for several days at the church. We shared a lot. Even though I almost died, that whole experience was one of the best times of my life.

How pathetic is that?

In the end, she doesn’t respond. She simply motions her head for me to enter. Once inside, she closes the door behind me then slowly presses her hands against my chest. I instinctively wrap my arms around her. She’s missed them. I know she has. And they’ve missed her.

I think back on what Tim referred to us as. Star-crossed lovers.

Will tragedy befall us because of an ending chosen for us by my own flesh and blood? It will for me, I’m sure. Deep down, I know my chances of escaping the union with Sophia with my life still intact are slim to none.

But then I’ve always been the type of fella who clings on to foolish hope. It’s the only reason I’m still here. That I didn’t just give up existing a long time ago.

Because without hope, all is lost. But without Jaine, there is no hope.

At least not for me.

“That good, darlin’?” I chuckle sadly against her hair as I inhale the smell of wildflowers, my fingers moving to trace the tattoo on her wrist. She watches my movements as I circle the poppies and then the four-leaf clovers. I don’t need to ask. I know one is for me, and one is for Ace. Tears prick my eyes.

How could I have ever doubted her love for me?

She steps back, making no attempt to hide her wet cheeks. Jaine’s never been anything but herself when she’s with me. She’s never hidden from me because I’ve never hidden from her.

“I’m sorry I’ve not been to see Finian, Jaine… I…”

She shakes her head. She understands, or at least she thinks she does. About Sophia not wanting me here. About me being so madly in love with my wife that her wish is my every command.

I want to tell Jaine the truth. I would have had she not been in love with me, but I have no idea how she’d react if I were to admit that her love is reciprocated.

And here’s me doing to her what she did to me. Making decisions. Making assumptions.

I understand now why she didn’t want to take the risks because when the shoe is on the other foot, I don’t want to take them either.

Not with her. Not with Fin.

“He’s in the family room.”

I follow her through to where Fin’s sitting with Ma. She and I make eye contact, and her eyes well up.

Guilt.

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