Page 84 of Dirty Padraig: Dirty Dusters

“I need to visit the urologist.”

“Putting it off?”

“Yes and no. As much as I want my freedom, I’m not sure it’s worth it. Maybe I’ll just remain a trophy husband for the rest of my days.”

“But what if…”

“It will never happen, so it makes no difference.”

“You don’t even know what I was going to say.”

“I know exactly what you were going to say. You were going to say what if Jaine never gets back with Eoin. You and I both know she will. It’s just a matter of time. Anyway, they share Fin. I would never go anywhere near her while there’s still a chance for them.”

“Paddy…”

“Leave it there, Dyl. Anyway, I need to go and make this appointment. Regardless of whether I go ahead with this stupid idea of mine, I’d like to know if I’m capable of fathering a child or not.”

CHAPTERTWENTY-SIX

JAINE

The Docks, Hudson Yards

I stepout of the SUV and look around before pulling my suit jacket tighter around my torso.

After this, I’m going straight to the office, then I’m heading to my apartment to collect Molly’s phone, which is currently locked up with my rifles.

Dec messaged me to cancel my pre-arranged appointment with Eoin. Then he did it again. Now, here we are, two days later.

I’ve been here several times now, but I still can’t get used to how depressed it makes me feel. It’s like the air is laced with a despondency that you inhale straight into your lungs until you physically can’t breathe. Until you feel totally alone.

Most of the exposed stacked containers are either fully or partially stripped of paint and adverts, their exposed surfaces having long since been worn over time by the barrage of weather and the spray from the brackish water of the river.

Sometimes, a new one gets added, his surface both vibrant and enthusiastic when measured against the colorless backdrop of his long-suffering comrades. It’s then he realizes what his future is going to be like.

Grey. Bleak. Desolate.

Same as theirs.

Same as ours.

Why keep fighting when the ending is inevitable?

I can understand why Eoin comes here at times. Sometimes, you need to escape life’s burdens, even if it’s just to stop you from going more insane than you already are.

Most of us are born of sound minds. It’s our life experiences that slowly drive us mad. In our world, the negative experiences can far outweigh the positive ones, each new one delivering yet another hammer blow to what started off as an optimistic mindset.

I don’t like that Eoin spends his time here, wallowing in the darkness inside his own head. It’s not healthy. I want everything for him.

Contentment. Happiness. Even if it’s not with me.

I don’t like that I’ve pushed him so far that he’s come here to lick his wounds.

I don’t like that I’m one of his negative experiences. That I’ve had so many adverse effects on his life in our relatively short time together.

I love him, and I know he loves me. Is love really enough?

Do happily ever afters really happen?

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