Page 68 of Dirty Padraig: Dirty Dusters

Jaine’s love for me isn’t something I can act on. I’ve filed her deathbed confession away for now, as it won’t do anyone any good to dwell on it. I have to stick to my newly agreed plan with the Ruoccos for my sake as well as hers. For that, I need to continue to wear a mask of indifference.

The bittersweet words still ring loudly in my ears. I could cry with happiness and sadness at the same time. I won’t do either. I will continue to grin and bear it for as long as I must.

Jaine loves me. Three years ago, she told me she didn’t.

Why?

And why then fuck my brother behind my back? None of it makes any sense. I’m sitting on the sectional, staring into space, when she disturbs my thoughts.

“Sorry, I took so long.”

I turn my head to find her swamped in my navy dressing gown. I can’t stop my lips from curving up into a smile.

“I know you have your little routine, darlin’. I’ve thrown all your clothes in the washer.”

“You know how to work a washing machine, Irish?” She snickers softly.

I laugh gently. “I’ve lived on my own most of my life, so I’m fairly domesticated.”

“At least it doesn’t smell like sex, feet, and dirty laundry in here.”

I laugh again as she refers to my student accommodation, which she seldom visited due to Fletch’s sexual shenanigans.

“Come sit with me, darlin’.” I pat the seat beside me. I instantly feel her hesitation.

“We don’t have to talk if you don’t want to.” About what she said. She knows that’s what I’m saying. I’m sure one day we’ll speak about those three little words that were kept secret for whatever reason. Words she no doubt regrets speaking out loud. Words that can’t now be taken back.

In the end, it wasn’t their time because it wasn’t her time.

I can’t explain how I feel. It’s as though The Almighty granted me a miracle with one hand then immediately took it away with the other.

Should I be grateful that it was granted in the first place, or should I feel cheated that it was so brief I have to keep asking myself if it were real?

I love you. Always have. Always will.

Jaine Jones loves me, and that’s all that matters. It’s enough because it has to be.

I don’t look at her as she sits down, I lift my arm, she slides herself underneath, and then she buries her face against my chest.

It’s where she belongs. We both know it. But we also both know that it wasn’t meant to be for us this time around.

Acceptance.

My thoughts are filled with what could have been as I hold the love of my life in my arms—a girl who’s now the love of my brother’s life.

I absorb every one of her silent sobs until she eventually cries herself to sleep. Then I scoop her up in my arms and place her in my bed.

The guest room is good enough for me.

CHAPTERTWENTY-TWO

JAINE

Padraig’s Apartment, Hudson Yards, New York

I wake with a start,sitting bolt upright as the memories of the night before jolt me awake. Dawn is breaking. Its orange and yellow glow sneaks past the blinds to fill the space with a fake warmth.

I instantly know where I am, and I know it’s his bed that I slept in as the sheets smell of him.

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