Page 42 of Dirty Padraig: Dirty Dusters

I’m worried if I let the reality of my situation sink in, I’ll plummet so low that I’ll never fucking recover. I’m barely surviving as it is. But what’s the point in surviving when you have nothing left to live for?

And now I’m sitting in the meeting room beside my cousin, Aidan, having to pretend everything is okay. It’s not. It never will be again.

I’m tempted to stand up, take center stage as the Paddy of old would have done before announcing that the fella in front of them who’s trying his hardest to appear happy is a bare-faced fucking liar. That it’s all just make-believe.

A pantomime.

Only this Prince Charming didn’t get his Disney princess. In the end, he was forced to accept the hand of the wicked fairy, and the wish she granted him as a wedding gift was a shitty existence that he wouldn’t wish on his own worst enemy.

But that’s fine. Just you lot move along with your perfect lives. There’s nothing to see here. Don’t mind me being my usual mardy-arsed self because I’m stuck in an existenceyouinflicted on me.

I’ll just sit back and watch while my reason for living lives her best life with my own fucking brother.

According to Dylan, she’s in love with Eoin, and he her. What above my love? What the fuck do I do with that. Do I shelve it as it’s now been superseded by his?

The bitter taste of self-pity laces my tongue, and it’s causing me to feel resentful, more so because I can’t say how I feel.

Pent-up emotions aren’t my thing. I’m the type of fella who wears his heart on his sleeve. I always have been. I used to be able to talk to Jaine about these sorts of things.

Once upon a fucking time.

I want to feel sorry for myself, but I can’t because, on the surface, I have to wear a painted-on smile and pretend to be happily married to Sophia.

I have to grin and bear it, but I don’t know if I can right now. I don’t know if I’ve got that amount of effort left in me after twelve fucking years of pining.

Eoin knew how much I loved Jaine. How much I still love her. Why would he do such a thing? I’m his brother. He should never have gone anywhere near her.

For now, I’ll try my best to say nothing, but me and him are on a promise. That selfish fecker has taken away my reason for breathing. Jaine wasmyreason for being, not his. What do I do now that I have none?

Stop breathing?

“So, you say Luc traveled back with you and Sophia, Paddy?”

Da interrupts my thoughts as he sits there with his blank pad open in front of him. Some things never change. All eyes are now fixed on me.

“He did. Two days ago.”

“And they’ve not mentioned anything about this new faction they’re supposedly setting up?”

Dylan told me all about that fiasco too. The fact that my contract marriage was all for nothing in the end as Luciano is no longer don of the Sicilian mafia. I want to have a go at my family for that, but I can’t.

And what would be the point? It wouldn’t change anything. My complaint would fall on deaf ears since they don’t seem to give a fuck about me anymore.

“Nothing.”

“Surely, they must have mentioned something over the past twelve months.” Jaine frowns at me as she voices the reasonable question. I can understand her frustrations. Ace was murdered. Eoin almost lost his life taking a bullet with Fin’s name on it.

What she doesn’t realize is that I spent my days alone trying to heal and get over her. It’s clear she never had any problems getting over me or getting under my eldest brother.

“I never paid any attention to what they discussed.”

“Jesus Christ. Did you not think to listen in?”

“Did you not think to not cheat on me with my own fucking brother?”

The bitter words slip from my mouth. Whether it was actual cheating or not, it still feels that way. She looks emotional. The dark circles around her eyes a clear indication that she’s not slept a wink.

That makes two of us.

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