Page 39 of Dirty Padraig: Dirty Dusters

We all turn toward the front door as it opens and then closes. Three of us know exactly who it is.

Eoin strides into the kitchen, his face remaining impressively impassive as he takes in his youngest sibling, even though he must be as surprised as the rest of us.

“It’s good to see you, Paddy.”

“Is it?” Irish mumbles his response as he glances at his brother before turning and leaving the room. We all stare at each other as the front door opens and closes once more, signaling the fact that he’s gone.

He clearly didn’t feel welcome by his own family in his own home, and I can’t help but feel responsible for that.

* * *

I can’t deal.

I didn’t want to listen to the guaranteed fallout after Irish left. I knew all eyes would be firmly fixed on me, waiting to gauge my reaction to his unexpected return, so I excused myself by pretending I was going to the restroom, then I left too.

I walked to the rear of the property, got on my hog, and drove out the gates. Once I’d driven around the corner, I pulled up before sending a message to both Roisin and Duke.

Jaine:I’ve gone for a ride to get some air. The kids are tucked up in bed. I’ve left the monitor in the kitchen.

I then head out of town. I know exactly where I’m going.

Thirty minutes later, I turn off the highway, driving over the same uneven terrain as before until I pull up in front of the small boating lake.

Dismounting my hog, I stare across the water, watching as the moonlight kisses the surface, resulting in its silvery reflection being bestowed back on itself. A lone owl hoots.

Is it the same one? Can he remember me being here from the first time around?

It’s peaceful. Tranquil. Still. Everything is the same as it was before. There’s only one thing missing.

Irish.

It’s been three years since I was last here, having just shot Lebedev in the head. We then waited in the vehicle, not knowing whether the pedo fucker was alive or dead.

Three fucking years.

It feels like the blink of an eye, but so much has happened since.

I’d never been here before that night, and I’ve never been back since, so I guess this is our place.

Little did I know, I was already pregnant with Fin when we were here last. Our son. A child he still knows nothing about.

I sink to my knees as the day finally takes its toll, my tears turning cold as they run down my face. I don’t even know why I’m crying.

I’m happy. He’s happy. Surely, it’s enough?

Maybe I’m just grieving what we had. What we will never have again. There’s no escaping reality now that he’s back. A past with him. A future without. My present is right here, right now.

Is it the gift everyone claims it is?

My phone vibrates in my pocket. I don’t want to look at it. I don’t want to answer any questions.

Where are you? Don’t you understand the risks we’re all facing?

Fuck it. None of that matters right now.

“What do I do, Ace!” I raise my face and yell at the star-laden sky. My question is met with another lonely hoot from the owl, followed by blinding silence.

Words spoken. Words unheard.

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