Page 118 of Dirty Eoin

“Well, I’m sorry he had to decide which of us he wanted to fuck. That the poor big glutton wasn’t able to spend the rest of his days pigging out by having his cake and eating it too. All I did was give him an ultimatum. I didn’t force him to pick me. He made that decision all on his own.”

“You know the point I’m making, Jaine. He thought he owed her. He felt guilty that he wasn’t able to let her down more gently.”

“Listen, Dyl.” I close my eyes once more and rub my hand across my forehead, sighing loudly. “I’m really sorry that Molly got caught up in the crosshairs. and I truly mean that, but if he was only marrying her because he thought she’d saved his life, then I did him a favor. In fact, I did both of them a goddamn favor. And more importantly, I did so without having to reveal my alter-ego’s involvement in the Nevada situation!”

“I understand what you’re saying, but the rushed way it was handled. The fact that he jilted her pretty much at the altar for you. We’re concerned her da’s now going to be on the warpath because he’ll see Eoin as having humiliated his only daughter.”

“The revealing of my secret wouldn’t have changed that.”

“No, but if Eoin had not been made aware, his conscience and sense of loyalty might have gotten the better of him and he may have decided to take her back. She’d have jumped at the chance. You know that.”

“Do you think he would have?”

Jealousy spirals through me, but I push it aside. He was only mine temporarily. He was never going to be mine for the long term.

“I guess we’ll never know.”

There’s a pause. I’m waiting for the interrogation. I’m sure the O’Connells will have been speculating about my marked absence around that circular table of theirs. Then again, maybe not. Jessie hasn’t said anything. If she suspected something untoward, I’m sure I’d have heard about it by now.

“Why, Jaine?”

Here we go.

“He deserved it.” I hate the fact that I immediately sound defensive.

“We all deserved it in some shape or form, so why single him out?”

“Because he showed no remorse for what he did.”

“He’s a mobster, Jaine. He’s not supposed to show remorse. He’s supposed to get the job done.”

“Not even when it comes to his own flesh and blood?” I snap.

I know what he’s going to say even before he says it.

“Paddy’s arranged marriage wasn’t Eoin’s decision. It was Ma’s. A mother knows best. You know that’s her viewpoint. She tried the same with the rest of us. Eoin may have agreed in principle with my parents’ choice for Paddy, but even if he hadn’t, it was already a done deal. The contract had already been signed. You’re also forgetting that it was a decision made without any knowledge of your existence. If the family had known about you, I’m sure the outcome would have been different. Unfortunately, most of the responsibility for Paddy’s situation lies with Paddy himself. He kept you a secret for nine years, Jaine. A secret that he kept even from me.”

He’s telling me things I don’t want to hear.

“Eoin lied about the messages for a year. In what way was that right? He should have put an end to the charade as soon as he found out.”

I close my eyes and rub my hand across my head in frustration. I was meant to feel ecstatic. After two long years of push and pull, I won.

But right now, I don’t feel like a winner. In fact, I feel quite the opposite.

I can still feel his eyes on me as I dressed and then left. He never said a word. He didn’t have to. I already felt like I’d stabbed him in the back.

“In hindsight, I should never have allowed it to start in the first place. Am I to be punished for my involvement too? It was more my fault than Eoin’s.”

I want to stick my fingers in my ears because it’s yet more truths I don’t want to hear or accept. I don’t want to listen to excuses for him. I want to blame him. Ineedto blame him. If I don’t, then all this time I’ll have focused my efforts and energies on toxic mind games for nothing.

I wanted revenge so badly. But why when I’m not the vengeful sort and never have been? Grudge holding is a waste of everyone’s time. And time is not something we always get a lot of in this life.

Look at Ace.

If this bitter taste is what serving payback tastes like, then I really wish I hadn’t bothered.

“I kept my secret. You kept yours. Both of us did what we did for Irish. Eoin did it for himself.”

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