Page 93 of Dirty Eoin

He’s always alert. Always protective. Unbelievably so.

“Jaine.” He’s staring at me now, his forehead creased. I know what he’s going to say even before he opens his mouth.

Walking across, I pass him his drink. I wait as he throws back the whiskey in one the same as he always does before passing me back the glass.

I remain standing, my hands fidgeting with the now empty crystalware.

“I appreciate our marriage was somewhat enforced, but I believe I’ve given you adequate time to adjust and accept our situation.” He runs his hand down his face.

He thinks I’m going to change the subject like I always do. I won’t. For once I’ll give him the truth. I let him continue.

“I think it’s time we started living together as a family. We’re married. We should be under one roof, not residing in two separate apartments. You and I shouldn’t be limited to only spending our evenings together after the children have gone to bed.”

I know how much he desperately wants this. How long he’s always wanted it.

I know how much I need him to want it.

The only positive is that what I’m about to say isn’t a lie. It isn’t because it’s part of my game plan. It’s more important than that.

“It’s just too much too soon for me, Eoin. It wasn’t so long ago that I was Ace’s wife. And he was such a big part of our family. An irreplaceable part of my life. Since he left us, everything has happened so fast. I just need time to come to terms with it all.”

His eyes never leave mine. I know he’s searching for any sign that I’m lying to him, but I’m not. At least not about that.

Every day, I still wake up and reach for Ace until I remember that he’s not there, that he never will be again, and that I’ve been sleeping alone all these months. It’s then that I talk to him.

That’s our time. And it may be selfish, but I still need that for now.

“I’m sorry, Jaine. I never even thought.”

“You have nothing to apologize for. I completely understand where you’re coming from. I just want you to understand where I’m coming from.”

“What about the children?”

“What about them?”

“Could we do something with them? I appreciate Sarah takes them to visit my ma and da often and I could spend time with them there, but I’d like for you and I to do something with them on our own.”

As parents.

“What did you and Duke chat about?” I change the subject while I ponder what he’s asked. Fin doesn’t need a replacement daddy. He already has one, even if he is absent for now, but JJ does need a father-figure in his life.

He smiles at my question like it’s something top secret. Eoin doesn’t smile often. Usually, it’s that pompous smirk of his that he shoots in my direction.

“He said he wants me to be more hands on with JJ and for him to be included in our Duster plans.”

I chuckle. “So, let me get this straight. He wants JJ to become a mobster like his big brother as opposed to a biker like his folks?”

He laughs out loud. “I believe the point he was trying to make was that he doesn’t want them spending any length of time apart, which is perfectly understandable. He feels that as brothers they should be allowed to grow up in close proximity.”

I know Duke’s thinking about me and Ace.

That it was always me and him. And now that he’s gone, I don’t know what to do with all these memories.

“He’s right. It’s important that they playfight and build memories together. We only ever get one childhood. Siblings are part of the same jigsaw. Growing up together lets them figure out which piece they are and which part they have to play in order to be there for the others.”

There’s a pause. I know we’re both now thinking of the fourth O’Connell brother. The missing piece. The fact that their family is currently fractured.

As is mine.

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