Page 163 of Dirty Eoin

Jaine’s Apartment, Upper East Side, New York

Padraig:You and Eoin have my blessing to move on with your lives together, darlin’. I wish you all the best.

I’ve been pacingthe floor and staring at the message for hours. I’m not sure why. It’s not like it’s going to miraculously change with the passage of time.

Twenty words.

I’m not sure how I feel about that number. Is twenty words adequate given what he and I went through together? If the twenty words were heartfelt and meaningful, then maybe so.

I wish you all the best.

Those are words you’d write in a greeting card to a nameless, faceless person who’s no one in particular. Those words aren’t meant for someone who was your confidant for nine years of your goddamn life. Those words aren’t sufficient for someone you blatantly lied to for the two years following because you couldn’t bear the thought of letting them go.

Surelythatfuckingperson is worthy of something more. Surelythatperson who sacrificed so much of their life for yours deserves something more than ‘I wish you all the best.”

Unfeeling. Unemotional. Unloved.

There’s no love in those few generic words. Not even a love that should stem from the rarest of friendships that we shared over so many years.

I sigh as I read them one final time. In his defense, he doesn’t know what I had to do or who I’ve had to keep hidden.

And who’s to say his messages aren’t being monitored by Sophia? If they are, then maybe he has no option but to keep things unfriendly and impersonal.

Rightly or wrongly, I still feel fucking cheated. I expected more. Needed more. NotWar and Peaceor a declaration of undying love or anything like that. I expected a goodbye that allowed the past to be buried with the love and respect that it truly deserved so we could both move on to the future with a clean slate and a guilt-free conscience.

Because it’s kind of a big deal for me. Saying goodbye to even more of my past. Letting go ofhim.

I stare at the message. I’m tempted to delete it, but I don’t.

Like the others, I’ll keep hold of it for old time’s sake and to remind myself of a relationship that spanned over a decade of my life. A relationship that ended, even though I never wanted it to.

A relationship that meant something to me, even if it meant nothing to him.

I love you, Irish.

Always have. Always will.

I have no regrets.

Never have. Never will.

All I’m left with is more memories that I no longer have anyone to reminisce with over. I mentally box them away, tears pricking my eyes when I realize that I’ve filed away way more than I’ll ever have left.

That between losing Ace and Irish, I’ve had to box away most of my life.

What now?

Life moves on, I guess. It’s time to start afresh and build new memories.

I smile. It’s a bittersweet one, but it’s a smile, nonetheless. Saying hello to my future.

Lettinghimin.

Do I message Eoin? Do I wait for him to arrive with Fin? Things have been more awkward than usual these past few days. He expected a suitable reaction after what happened at the docks, which is understandable, but I wanted to wait until I had clear direction from Irish first. So I knew what reaction I was going to be able to deliver.

A message I wasn’t sure was going to ever come.

But it did.

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