Page 161 of Dirty Eoin

Is that what she wanted? I can’t be sure.

The red mist had yet to lift when I carried out the selfish act.

And now, as seems to be our frustrating way, we’ve simply reverted back to the mundane like it never happened.

We’ve been on this merry-go-round for months. I’m getting too old for these playground tactics.

I’m sitting at my desk with my feet on top and our Dylan facing me.

“Spit it out. Say whatever is on your mind. You’re going to anyway.”

I know exactly what he’s going to say.

“I’ve been doing some thinking.”

I don’t reply. It’s more of a general observation than a question.

“All this time, Jaine’s been forcing herself to hate you when anyone with a pair of eyes can see that she cares. How much is anyone’s guess as she’s refusing to admit that even to herself.”

“Go on.”

“Jaine’s never indecisive about anything, but this situation is causing her to question everything and anything, and she’s admitted that she doesn’t have the answers.”

“When did she?”

“I’ve already had this conversation with her on the way to the docks. Did she not mention it?”

“Not a word.”

He pauses before he continues because he’s now going to tell me what I don’t want to hear.

“I wish I could encourage you to persevere, but I’m not sure it would make any difference. I think Jaine’s reluctance stemmed from Ace initially. Guilt. Betrayal. You and she was all too much too soon, which is perfectly understandable. They shared a life together.”

“She was also game playing the whole time.” I throw in.

“There’s that too. But I think there’s a second reason. Paddy.”

“In what way?” I frown at him.

He shrugs. “She loves him. She birthed him a son. In her mind, it should be her and him living the happily ever after, not you and her. At the back of her mind, she must surely be worried about how he’d react if you became a genuine couple. She’d be part of the family for real and not just tied to us because of Fin. She’d be your wife. The mother of your future children. Whether he’s married or not, if Paddy’s not accepting of that relationship, then birthdays and Christmases wouldn’t be very pleasant for the rest of us, would they?”

He smiles as he tries to lighten the mood, but it quickly vanishes when he takes in my less-than-receptive expression.

“Think about it, Eoin. Everything Jaine’s done these past two plus years has been for him. To protect him. To keep him safe. Because she loves him. She’s now being asked to consider doing something that could hurt him more than anything ever has. Something that could potentially destroy him. I honestly think, subconsciously or otherwise, that’s what’s also been holding her back. You and I both know that Jaine’s not the type to sit on the fence. She never has been. She always just says it how it is. In my opinion, it’s because she doesn’t know which side of the fence she’s meant to be on.”

I take on board all that he’s said, and it makes complete sense. It’s true. Everything she’s ever done has been in Padraig’s best interests, and yet here I am expecting her to choose me over him. The one person she’s gone out of her way to protect all this time. The one person I insisted she protect.

It was clear-cut, really. I’m not sure why I didn’t see it. Maybe subconsciously I didn’t want to face my own reality either.

Jaine was never going to choose me. When it was game-playing, it was fine, but now things have gotten serious it’s a different matter.

She may not love me, but she cares enough that she doesn’t want to hurt me, and she doesn’t want to hurt him either.

In the end, she’s the one who’s hurting.

I complain that I can’t move forward with my life, but she’s living in limbo too. She can’t move forward with hers either.

If she can’t make the choice on our behalf, then I’ll have to make that decision for us. I won’t see her pulled apart by all this push and pull any longer. In truth, her choice has already been silently made. Actions speak louder than words. If she wanted to move forward with me, she would have done so by now.

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