Page 85 of Dirty Dylan: Dirty Dusters

“What if I can’t… you know… get it up?”

“You have no choice, Dylan. Neither of you has.” Eoin’s looking between Paddy and me. “Ma and Da want grandchildren. I’m not sure any of us can rely on the immaculate conception, which means you’ll have to get your dick wet.”

“Fuck me,” I mutter and roll my eyes.

“No, fuck your soon-to-be arranged marriage wife and produce some heirs. That way, you get our parents off your back, and then you can do what you like.”

“What do you mean do what we like? Like, have an affair?”

Eoin shrugs. “It’s not common in our religion, and it’s definitely not condoned, but it does happen from time to time. If the couple entered into the arranged marriage aren’t compatible in that way, they simply produce an heir and a spare then do their own thing. I would suggest you get your wife’s blessing before doing your own thing to avoid a blood bath, however. Divorce, as we know, is out of the question once we take the vows, and the rest of your life can be a long time without intimacy.”

“I won’t be taking Sophia to my bed.” Paddy is adamant.

“Not even if Luc holds a gun to your head?” Eoin raises an eyebrow.

“Not even then. There’s only one woman for me. I will touch no other.”

Eoin frowns at him. “An heir and a spare, Paddy. That will be the minimum required from you, same as the rest of us.”

“Let’s leave it there, fellas,” I interject as I quickly dial Cill’s number. I know Paddy will never agree but I also know Eoin will never stop pushing.

It’ll just go round in circles.

“Cill, how’s it hanging, brother?”

We’ve agreed to call him for an update. Putting the phone on handsfree, I place it on the middle of Eoin’s desk.

“It’s hanging all right, Paddy.”

“Not all right enough if you still haven’t managed to get Sarah pregnant. You’re putting pressure on the rest of us. Especially now you’ve been allowed to play the ‘out of sight, out of mind card’ and go gallivanting across the country. Ma and Da are paying closer attention to us lot now. Maybe it’s those tighty-whities you insist on wearing restricting the flow.”

“There’s nothing wrong with my flow, you eejit. I’ve filled one pram. I’m sure I can fill another.”

“Talking of kids, what was the wee man like? Young Finlay.”

“He’s a handsome lad. He’s definitely going to break a few hearts when he’s older. He looks like Ace, but then, he doesn’t.”

“What do you mean but then he doesn’t?” Paddy frowns.

“He’s pale. He’ll suffer with that Californian sun of theirs, that’s for sure.”

“And is he as much of a handful as Jaine makes out?”

“Even more so. He’s the opposite of Jaine and Ace. They’re so laidback, whereas Finlay is on the go nonstop. And he never stops talking. Not that you can understand a word, mind you. He just loves the sound of his own voice and likes to share his unintelligible words with anyone who will listen. I’m not sure how Jaine will cope having two wee ones under two, especially if the other is as much of a handful as young Fin.”

“And how’s Ace?”

“The same. I caught Sarah drooling over him once or twice, even though she tried to deny it.”

We all laugh. I’ve never met Ace, but Eoin and Paddy have, and by all accounts, he could be another O’Connell brother.

“And how is Jaine?”

Eoin and I look at Paddy as he asks the burning question. A smile crosses his face as he thinks of her and speaks her name aloud.

“She much bigger this time around, but it’s all baby. She still looks like she could do with a good feed. It’s a shame she’s not going to be an O’Connell. Ma would soon get some meat on those skinny bones of hers by filling her guts with starchy carbs.”

There’s a pause. Cillian’s no doubt realized what he just said. Eejit. Thankfully, Paddy ignores it, and so Cill just carries on.

---