Page 69 of Dirty Dylan: Dirty Dusters

I say it how it is. I only wish I’d had the guts to tell Jessie. Maybe she would have said the same back. Maybe she wouldn’t. But at least I would have known either way. I wouldn’t be facing the prospect of living a life filled with regret and what ifs.

Like poor Paddy.

He frowns. I know what he’s going to say. What he has to say.

“Unfortunately, Dylan….”

I interject. “I know, I know. I have to accept my fate like a good little Duster, the same as our Paddy’s had to.” The same as Eoin’s had to do, too, I reckon.

“Do you love her?” I throw the question out there. He knows fine well who I’m referring to and it’s not Molly. I’m not expecting him to answer. And definitely not truthfully.

“I honestly think I might.”

And there you have it. I thought my situation was bad. His is even worse. He’s being forced to marry someone he doesn’t love. Double whammy? The woman he does fancy himself in love with has taken the vows with another man and carried their offspring. Triple whammy? She’s in love with our baby brother.

“But Paddy.”

He stands and walks to the window once more. Eoin seldom talks about anything personal. I think he’s only doing so because my situation is highlighting and perhaps magnifying his own.

“You think I don’t know? How much he loves her? How much she loves him? But Paddy’s bed was made. The Ruoccos would have had a bullet put in his brain if he so much as thought about pulling out of that signed-in-blood arrangement. What I did, I had to do. I had no choice but to say what I did to her. Both PaddyandJaine would have been at risk otherwise.

“If the Sicilians had thought they were crossing the line in any way, it would have been game over for them both. Jaine understood that. She left town to keep Paddy safe. She said what she had to because she had no choice either. He would never have let her go otherwise. That marriagemusttake place, or war will break out and people will perish as a result. Our Paddy would be first in that queue.”

I nod. I understand how it happened. I also realize it can’t be changed, and that there’s no way back for them. “But even married to Sophia, he would still never be accepting of you with Jaine.”

He keeps his gaze directed out the window. “I thought maybe in time.” It’s the sound of wishful thinking. I know it only too well.

“He would never be accepting of it, Eoin, and you know it. It would be like me watching you with Jessie. Or you watching me with Jaine. Right in front of you. Right under your nose. Having to witness that day in day out would destroy Paddy.”

He doesn’t reply, but he must know it’s true. And it could destroy our family. Paddy could end up killing him or vice versa. There would only be one man standing after a come-to-Jesus moment like that, blood or not.

“And I’m sorry to say, but Jaine….”

“…. hates my guts.” He butts in. “I’m well aware of how she feels about me. Jaine’s not backward in coming forward when speaking her mind.”

I snicker. I can’t help myself. “No, she tends to just say it how it is and as colorfully as possible.”

There’s a pause.

“I know about the messaging. That it’s Paddy and not you who messages Jaine.”

Fuck. My bowels feel like they’ve turned to liquid.

“How?”

“I’ve known for some time. Paddy told me himself. He was worried about her when she was driving to Nevada the night Rafael Flores lost his life. It’s why I went in the end. Because he couldn’t. We agreed he could continue to message her provided no other contact was ever made. He can’t speak to her. He can’t see her. She can’t know it’s him. No one must know. Jesus Christ, if Sophia ever found out…”

“Sophia won’t. We’ve been careful all this time. But Jaine will find out at some point. You do know that.”

“I know. But hopefully, by the time she does, Paddy will be wed, and we won’t have to worry about an attack by the Sicilians. Jaine’s married now anyway. She has a family of her own. A life of her own. She’s moved on.”

There’s another pause. We’re both lost in our thoughts—both of us wanting someone we can’t ever have.

“Why do Ma and Da hate her so much, Eoin?”

“Jaine?”

“Yes, Jaine.”

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