Page 99 of Dirty Dylan: Dirty Dusters

“And have you spoken to Razr?”

“Yup. He’s suggested I keep a journal like he does so I can write down how I’m feeling. He says it will help me pinpoint and know what my triggers are. People, feelings, times of day. That sort of thing.”

“Who’d have thought Razr being insane would have its uses? And is it working?”

“So, so.”

“What does that mean?”

“Well, it’s made my key trigger obvious.”

“Care to expand on that?”

“My shrink thinks I need to lay the ghost of Irish to rest. Or at least the ghost of what Irish and I were to each other back then. More so as, apparently, in my head, that’s how I still view our relationship.”

“But haven’t you already let him go?”

“Yes and no.”

“Meaning?”

“I’ve replaced him with Dyl. I’ve been using him as a surrogate for Irish all this time because I’ve refused to let go.”

“Well, it’s easier said than done. I can vouch for that.” I laugh dryly.

“But it’s been the best part of two years for me, Jessie. And if I’ve changed in that time, then he will have too. He’s not going to be the same person he was way back then.”

“I mean, I don’t know what he was like in the past, so I can’t really offer any comparison.”

“I’m about to have another baby. He’ll be getting married. We can’t ever go back to where we were. I’ll be returning to Manhattan soon. Before I do, I need to close off that chapter of my life. That’s if I’m ever to have any sort of relationship with him moving forward.”

“And do you need to have a relationship with him? Would you even want that?”

“Need or want is irrelevant right now. I won’t have a choice if I don’t draw a line under the past. I need to move on. It’s hindering my progress. It’s stopping me from healing. It’s clear he’s moved on, even if it is reluctantly. It’s time I did too.”

“And why are they only suggesting this to you now? You’ve been seeing that shrink of yours for weeks.”

“Because of what I’m writing in the journal, I guess, and the fact I did something foolish.”

“Well, you and I are both guilty of behaving that way when it comes to these O’Connell boys. Go on. What did you do?”

“I messaged Dyl.”

I pause. Whether it was as a show of solidarity or for her own reasons, she stopped all contact with him when I did. She’s done something I’ve been tempted to do so many times, but each time I’ve managed to stop myself.

“Right.”

“I’m sorry, Jessie.”

“It’s okay. You had a relationship with him long before I came along. And you should be able to continue right on with that. I’m a big girl. Just because I’ve fallen out with him doesn’t mean you have to. Anyway, right now, your needs are far greater than mine.”

There’s a pause.

“I stupidly told him I miss Irish. That I can’t even remember what he sounds like. I pretty much had a full-on melt-down. Ace was in Vegas at the time. I was home alone. I asked if I could give him a call. I just needed to talk to someone.”

“You could have called me.”

“I needed to speak about Padraig.”

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