Page 75 of The Escort

“No! Stop!” She points at me. “You stop right now, Felix!”

“I remember, Mom.”

“No! Stop!” Head shaking and hands flying in the air, she raises her voice.

“Mom, listen to me—”

“No!” She slams her hand on the table. “Felix, you stop this!”

A guard walks over, glaring down at us. “Is everything okay over here?”

“Yes,” I reply with a slight drop of my head. “I had to give my mom some unfortunate news. It’s upset her, but she’s okay now. Right, Mom?”

She wipes a tear from her eye, lifting her head with a sniffle to the guard. “Yes. I’m sorry.” She folds her hands in her lap. “I’m fine now.”

The guard examines Mom for a long moment, nods, and goes back to moving around the room with a watchful eye.

I give Mom a few minutes to compose herself and respond to what I just said. Not that it’ll be enough time. I’ve known for three days, but I’m still not at peace. I haven’t told my brothers yet. Decided it was best to discuss it with Mom first. See if she can fit in the missing pieces.

“That night,” I begin, waiting for her to look at me. When she finally does, I continue in a near whisper. “After I shot him—”

“Oh, Felix.” She winces, another tear dropping from her eye. “Please don’t do this.”

“You took the gun from me.” Heartbreaking, I can’t let her anguish detour me. “You said everything was going to be okay. I remember that, but then it gets a little foggy.”

Her breaths stutter, and she shakes her head. “You promised,” she whispers, shaking her head again and wiping away more tears. “You promised.”

I stare blankly at her, the night coming back to me…

Felix, go back to bed and forget about what just happened. Do you hear me?Promise me, Felix. You will never speak of this again. Promise me.

“I promise, Mama,” I repeat what I had said to her that night. “I promise,” I repeat, recalling it all now. She took the gun from me, kissed me on the forehead, and made me promise.

“Yes. You promised.” She swipes more tears from her red eyes. “And when I realized you had indeed forgotten what happened, I could never let you remember it again. You were so sweet, so young, so precious. You’re my ba-baby, Felix. My baby.”

“But it was me, Mom. I killed him.”

“Oh, h-honey, you didn’t know what you were doing.”

“But I did know what I was doing, and it was premeditated, Mom. He put that gun in my hand. He taught me how to use it.”

“What?”

“He told me to protect you. Told me to keep my family safe. He said it was my responsibility.”

“You were just a child. It wasn’t your job to keep anyone safe. It was mine, and I failed you all, and that’s why I deserve to be here. I caused your father’s death. Not you. Felix, please believe this. You’re not to blame.”

“How can you say that? You’re in jail because of me, because of what I did. We lost our mother. We went into the system. We had horrible lives. And it was all my fault, Mom. Mine!”

“No.” She scrambles for my hands. I pull them off the table, out of her motherly reach. “Listen to me.” She stifles another cry. “You listen to me.” She taps the table, striving for control. “None of this is your fault.” She points at her chest. “I took the gun from you. He wasn’t dead, Felix. Not until I shot him again. It was me, not you, Son. I killed your father.”

I shake my head. “We both know whose shot caused his death.”

“It doesn’t matter. You hear me? It doesn’t matter. I decided to keep the truth about what happened that night from you and your brothers. That was my decision, not yours. What happened to all of you? It’s my burden to bear, not yours. I take full responsibility for it.”

“Why did you do it? You could have told them the truth. You could’ve said I shot him. You wouldn’t have gone to jail.” I choke back a tear striving to break free from my burning eyes. “You would’ve been free. Y-you would’ve been there for us!”

“I didn’t deserve you. I didn’t deserve any of you. I’m your mother, and I let your father hurt you. Hurt me. Brett saw it all. The way he looked at me. I was so ashamed. I couldn’t protect him, any of you. I’d lost all control of my life. But when it happened, and I realized you didn’t remember what you’d done, it was my time to protect you. It was my time to pay the price for not keeping you safe. Your father was escalating. He was hitting you boys. It had to stop. And you, my sweet baby, had the strength to stop him. Not me. Felix, I’m where I belong.”

---