Page 73 of Three Times You

A short while later, she comes back into the living room and brings me a demitasse.

“I added some soy milk, but just a little.”

“Good, that’s how I like it. Thanks.”

I sip a little hot coffee. Outside the window, the sky is slowly turning shades of blue, losing the bright indigo and veering toward lighter shades. Now it’s a pale blue, and there’s not a cloud in sight.

“It’s going to be a beautiful day.” Gin looks in my direction.

I look at her. I say nothing for a moment but then I make up my mind to tell her the truth. “I think there’s something that you need to know.”

“Well, I do know something…”

“Maybe, but I want you to know everything. Otherwise, we’ll really never be able to start over again. I’d always feel like a liar at your side so I think this is the only way. Then, if you want, you can send me away, but in the meantime, I need you to listen to me. I had an affair with Babi. I was seeing her for about six months. I rented an apartment where we met almost every day, but when Aurora was born, I was just too ashamed. I’ve always thought that, anything that happened to me in my life, any harm that might be done to me, I’d be able to overcome. I’d never stop in the face of anything. But I can’t put the blame on anyone else. The real problem is me. I don’t like myself anymore.”

I look at Gin, and I see tears rolling down her cheeks, but I can’t stop myself. “I’ve discovered that Babi’s son is my son. There, that’s it. I’d never known a thing about this latest development until this year. I was tempted to tell you, but I found it out the very same day that you told me you were expecting Aurora. It would have simply ruined everything.”

Gin smiles. “Don’t worry, you managed to do it anyway.”

I try to smile back, but I know how badly I must have hurt her. “I don’t know what came over me, Gin. I’d made you a promise. I didn’t want to disappoint you again, I didn’t want to make you suffer. I tried, I really gave it my all, but that’s just the way it went.”

Now she gets angry. “Don’t even try it.” She gets up from the sofa and walks toward me, pinching the fingers of her right hand as if they were a bird’s beak and taps them against my chest. “Don’t you try to pull the wool over my eyes. You’re the man who does athousandpush-ups, a man driven by rage and sheer willpower. You never even felt pain when you made up your mind to go all the way. Your determination has always been stronger than your head and your heart. You could have kept all this from happening. You weren’t drunk, you weren’t high on drugs, you knew what was happening. Don’t tell me that’s just the way it went. You’re the one who made sure it went that way.”

“You’re right.”

“That’s not enough. I know that I’m right. But I wanted to be your first choice. Instead I feel like I’m plan B, nothing more than a spare tire. You make me feel as if, unable to haveher, you chose me in an attempt to settle for second best and be happy with it. But that’s no way to find happiness.”

“No, that’s not true. I want to be happy, and I want to be happy with you.”

“Right, just think that you even made a promise to the Lord. You were supposed to live with me, you were supposed to have me and hold me, honor me and treasure me. Be at my side in sorrow and in joy, in the good times and the bad, and love and cherish me always, in poverty and wealth, in sickness and in health. But all you had to do was see her once, and you forget about everything.”

“I’m not the man you wanted. I was wrong, and I’m sorry. But let’s start over from today. I’m begging you. Look at that, look at how beautiful…”And I point out the window, directing her attention to the sunbeams piercing a collection of distant clouds. They seem like the rays of a crown, making that sky unique, special, almost sacred. “Please, my love, forgive me. Let’s not throw it all away. I told you everything. I think that I’ve done a lot of wonderful things for you and just one that was wrong. Thatissomething I did, and itwaswrong, that’s true, but it was justonething.”

“But don’t you think that this is something you can never get past? This love that you still feel for her, isn’t it something you’ll never be able to put behind you? All of this is something that goes beyond my ability to understand…”

Gin looks tired to me, as if defeated. She shakes her head, and her shoulders droop, but she clearly wants to say something more. “Maybe it’s what you want, but you can’t do anything about it. It’s always going to be like this. You’ll never be entirely, completely mine. Can’t you see that that’s something I can never accept?”

I remain silent for a moment. “I wish I could be a better man.”

Then she puts her hand on my face. “I know that, but you can’t be a better man with me when your heart belongs to another woman.”

“It’s not like that, Gin. Please don’t obsess about this. Just think of Aurora. We have our whole lives ahead of us.”

“Ah, about that, there’s another problem there, I’m afraid. And seeing how things have gone, I don’t think there are going to be any miracles awaiting us.”

Chapter 57

It’s Sunday morning, not even nine o’clock yet. The sun is warm, and Gin and I, along with Aurora in her baby carriage, are out enjoying a nice walk at Villa Glori. You can catch a whiff of the smell of the horses emanating from the stables farther along, but you can also smell the scent of the rain that fell overnight. We stop at a little café and order cappuccinos.

“Nothing to eat for you?”

“No, thanks. I’m not hungry.”

“I’ll have a whole-wheat pastry.”

We collect our order and go on walking, and Gin turns to look at me, and she smiles.

I notice that there’s a film of cappuccino on her upper lip. “You have a milk mustache. Hold on.” And I delicately run my forefinger over her lips.

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