Page 54 of Three Times You

“No, we’re expecting a baby.”

Then he turned to look at me. “That’s good news, isn’t it?”

“Yes, very good news.”

“But if you let that baby grow up with parents who are unhappy, who fight and all the rest of that, you’ll make the baby unhappy just like the two of you, and it might be something the baby carries with them for the rest of their life. If you really love this baby, that’s not something you can do.”

I remained silent, and Don Andrea went on. “Strange that you haven’t asked me the one question I often hear in cases like this.”

My curiosity got the better of me. “What’s that?”

“Is it possible to love two women?”

I couldn’t help but smile. “Actually, it had occurred to me, but it seemed absurd to ask a man like you that sort of a question.”

“Good, because it’s a despicable question. It’s nothing but an excuse for someone who doesn’t know how to face up to their own responsibilities. Anyone who has that kind of indecision needs to learn to make their own choice, leave the woman they think they love, with all the attendant pain and possible unpleasantness, and have the courage to be happy with the woman theyknowthey love. Because, deep down, we always know everything.”

“We’re expecting a baby. Gin is wonderful, and the life I want to build would have to be with her.”

“Good, I’m glad to hear it. So you’ve thought it over, you’ve used your brain, and you’ve made your choice. But then, after the years go by, don’t start having regrets, don’t start dreaming about how your life could have been. It would only be a useless thought because there’s no way to know, it might have gone much, much worse.” Then he shook his head. “But first and foremost, you must never again see that woman.”

Then I smiled.

“What is it?”

“That’s exactly what I’m afraid of.”

“I haven’t known you long but I think I understand the way you’re put together. If you decide that’s how it’s going to be, then that’s how it’s going to be. It’s your life. Now let’s go back and be with the others.” He stood up, took a few steps, and then turned to look at me. He waited for me to catch up with him. Then he locked arms with me and smiled. “Have I convinced you?”

“No, what I’m afraid of is that the young woman in question might prove to be stronger than my own willpower. For that matter, if it really was that easy to make choices of the sort and just straight-out succeed, then all those confessions, all those Hail Marys, and most important of all, you yourself would be completely unnecessary. My sin, if I ever do sin, is your reason for existence.”

Don Andrea looked at me, but this time he didn’t smile.

Chapter 44

Hey, hi there!” Gin enters the kitchen all sleepy. She’s wearing a light nightgown and has her hair pulled back with a hairclip that she’s just putting up. “I didn’t hear you come in.”

“I was quiet as a mouse. I didn’t want to wake you up.”

“Well, you didn’t.”

“Do you want some coffee?”

“No, I’d prefer tea. It’s gentler.”

“I’ll make you some right away.”

I can sense Gin looking at me even though I have my back to her as I fill up the teakettle. I rinse it, fill it again, and put it on the flame.

“How did it go last night? Were there a lot of people?”

“So many people. It was nice, but you wouldn’t have enjoyed it. Too much smoke, everyone jammed together. They definitely invited too many people.”

“Did you meet many people?”

“Practically everyone.” That seems like the only way to answer without telling a lie, but at the very same moment I say it, I feel a flood of shame. The problem isn’t who I met or what I did, it’s what I feel. I try not to think about it.

“I had a long chat with the director of the channel, Pietro Forti. He wants to take some of our shows. I’m really happy with how it went.”

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