Page 53 of If I Were Yours

The next two months go by in a blur of black and white keys, Bach, Mozart, and German books. I’m so preoccupied with audition preparations that I barely have time for anything else—not friends, family, or even TV.

My world has honed into this small focused bubble of piano, Grigory, and Markus—well, occasionally Markus. He becomes so swamped with touring and preparing for new roles that he doesn’t have time for anything else. Some days, it’s hard to even get ten minutes on the phone with him. It’s like he’s loosening the reins, letting Grigory be in control even when I’m alone and Markus was supposed to take charge.

Grigory, on the other hand, often comes to see me every week, flying out whenever he can. So Markus was right about seeing one of them every week; just in a very different way than I’d expected.

I love spending so much time with Grigory. I thrive with his overbearing brand of dominance. In the beginning, I feared it would be too much, but these days, I find I can’t get enough of it. He grounds me through the stress that grows with each passing day that brings me closer to the audition, and it gives me a certain kind of calmness. When he’s here, it seems that everything will work out, but when he’s gone, I’m floundering, unable to find the balance between the two men.

When I tell Markus I miss his control, he tells me he’ll ask Grigory to take over a little more when I’m alone.

It hurts that he doesn’t try to put in the effort himself. He makes it sound like dominating me is a chore—something he doesn’t have the time for himself, so he gets someone else to do it. I remember all too well how he said that I’m sensitive, and once again, I feel fragile for being who I am.

But even though I hate that Markus hands a large chunk of control over, I’m more than relieved by the frequent texts I start getting from Grigory throughout the day, asking how much I eat, how much I play, telling me to get out of the apartment, and even ordering me to go visit my family when I haven’t seen another person for several days.

On one hand, this new arrangement levels me, but it also has the opposite effect. The two men were supposed to share me, and it doesn’t sit well with me that Grigory has more control over me than Markus, when Markus is the one I belong to.

***

At the end of November, Markus is finally back from tour, and I get to spend a week with him in Berlin before he leaves for his next project. I haven’t seen him for three weeks, and the reunion isn’t exactly easy. I find myself constantly missing Grigory and his steady control, and the guilt is terrible when I try to submit to Markus and find myself thinking about Grigory.

It takes me a couple of days to find my way back to Markus and settle in our dynamic. And when I do, Markus quickly hurls me back out of it.

“Lucia has asked me to go on tour with her in January,” he says when we’re watching TV together on the third day. “I’ve said yes. It’s a great opportunity to get some exposure. We’ll be singing at some very prestigious venues.”

My brow furrows as I lean back to look at him. “But that’s when I have my audition. Will you be away by then?” My stomach sinks. He’d said he’d be in Berlin at the time of my audition—at the time I most need him.

“I will. But Grigory will be here. I’ve talk—”

“You can’t just use him as a replacement,” I cut in as his words stir a latent frustration within me.

Markus frowns. “I don’t use him as a replacement.”

“Yes, you do. When you had to cancel our weekend in September, you sent Grigory instead. And when you don’t have the time to be my dominant, you make him do it.” I get up from the couch. “It’s like I’ve become this burden to you. Like I’m a responsibility you don’t want anymore.”

“That’s not how it is at all.” Markus gets up too, and when he tries to put a reassuring hand on my arm, I step back, needing distance.

Markus’s expression tightens as I continue in an accusatory tone. “You treat me like I’m made out of glass, but I’m not. I know I’m fragile and this summer has taken its toll on me and all that, but I’m not just going to break from being alone for a few weeks. I did that countless times before Grigory came into the picture and that worked just fine.”

“Fine?” Markus shoots me an incredulous look. “Do you even remember all those times you cried over the phone after we’d said goodbye? You were gutted, Clara.”

“Of course I was. You kept dragging me deeper into this dynamic, making me dependent on you—making me crave your goddamn dominance.” I’m not sure I’ve realized this before, but suddenly it all seems very clear. Iamsensitive, yes, but opening up my submissive side has made me even more so. Through my submission, I become vulnerable, and baring that side of myself to a Dom means I need him to be there to accept my submission and balance the imbalance he’s opened up in me.

“So you can’t just insinuate that I’m weak,” I continue. “I become more vulnerable because you need the control.”

“Clara, I’ve never said that you’re weak. I’ve said that you’re sensitive. I like that about you. But it makes me want to protect you even more. This is my role in the dynamic. To take care of you. And that’s really hard to do when I’m away from you.”

“Yet you seem perfectly fine whenever we’re apart.”

“Do you have any idea how hard it is to let you go every time we part?” Markus retorts. “Just because it’s easier for me to be apart doesn’t mean it’s not hard on me too. I constantly worry about you because that’s who I am. That’s how I am as a Dom. I need to protect you. And that’s damn hard to do when we’re apart.”

“Then why do you keep staying away?”

It’s like I’ve slapped him across the face. He just stares at me for a moment. Then he stares into the distance as he drags a hand through his hair. When he finally speaks again, his tone is laced with defeat. “I don’t want to be away from you, but I don’t want to compromise my career either. It’s impossible to balance the two.”

“I’m not asking you to compromise your career. But it would be nice if you’d say no to a concert every now and then. You do it for other jobs, so why not for me?”

Markus doesn’t answer. I don’t think he knows how. And if I say anything more, the argument will get even more heated. So I decide to end it here. At least for now.

“I need to be alone,” I say and leave to shut myself in with the piano in the music room. It hurts a little that he doesn’t try to stop me, but I think we both need some time apart to process. We’ve never argued like this before.

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