Page 22 of Forever Mine

He tightens his hold on me. “When I say I wasn’t sure, it’s because I knew I couldn’t bring a baby into this world… and risk it being abandoned.”

I jerk out of his hold. “You thought if I had a kid, one day I’d just leave it… leave you?”

He jams his hand through his hair. “Fuck… I know it’s fucked up, Nat. In reality, I know you would never leave a child that was yours… I know that… but I’m so fucked in the head that I thought… I thought, fuck, what if you’re like my mother?”

I stand up and pace back and forth across the room. All this time, I thought we were mostly happy, and come to find out, he thought I already had one foot out the door. Hell, he was never all in. He always kept me at a distance with him, his family, his business, everything. And just like that, it all makes sense. Like a light bulb has come on, I bring my hand up to my mouth with a gasp. I whirl on my foot and look at him accusingly. “Wait, is that what this is, Beau? Is this why I always felt like you had your guard up around me? Why you kept me as an outsider with your family, why you kept your distance… You expected me to leave?”

He blinks twice and nods his head. “I need to get it all out. I need to explain, Nat. When I was just a kid, our mom left us.”

I rear back. All this time, he never wanted to talk about her. I assumed she’d died when they were younger. “She left you?”

He nods. “Yeah, the day she had Lucas. She left the hospital and never came back. She decided she didn’t want to be a mom anymore. A husband and five boys, and she just walked out the door.”

He suddenly stands up and walks across the room, pushing the curtain back to look out over the backyard. He’s quiet, and I fight the urge to go to him. I take my seat back on the bed and wait. When he starts to talk again, his voice is pained. “I honestly didn’t think it affected me any because years later my dad remarried, and my stepmom Charlotte was great. We made the best of it. Growing up, I never really dated women.” He leans his head down and shakes it. “I’m not proud of it, but I used women for my needs and not much else. When I was in college, I met a girl. Was I in love? No, now I can say I wasn’t, but we were a good fit, and we got engaged. But she broke it off after telling me that she couldn’t be with me since I was emotionally inept. She felt like she couldn’t get close to me, and I know that part of our relationship was true.”

Fuck, another shock to the system. I murmur, “I didn’t know you were engaged before.”

He nods. “Yeah, it was a long time ago, and since that time, I was determined to not be serious with anyone. I knew there was a part of me that was broken. I was content with my life… until I met you. From that moment, I knew my life would never be the same. I didn’t want it to be. I wanted to be with you, and I thought I could be different. I tried to be different.”

I wrap my arms around myself protectively. “I don’t know what to think anymore, Beau. I love you. I was all in, and now I find out you thought this was what? A temporary fling? That you planned for it to end?”

He hangs his head, unable to even look me in the eye. “No, Nat. It’s not like that. I love you. Fuck, I love you so much. I thought that if I kept my distance and kept you away from my family that when you eventually left me, I would have been protecting me… protecting them. Damn, I was so wrong. So completely wrong.”

He turns from the window and wipes the moisture from his cheek. “I was a fool, I know that. Hell, look at me. I’m a fuckin’ mess, and I have been since you asked me for a divorce.” He drops to the carpeted floor in front of me and puts his hands on both my hips. “I know I fucked up, but I can fix this. Please don’t give up on me. I can’t lose you, Natalie.” He buries his head in my lap as his shoulders shake and his voice shudders. “I can’t lose you.”

I’m not sure what I’m feeling right now, but I know I’ve never seen this side of him before. In our whole marriage, I’ve never seen him vulnerable. I lift my hand off the bed and put it on the top of his head, threading my fingers through his hair. I try to soothe him, but the whole time I’m wonderingWhat do I do now?My marriage has been a farce, and I don’t know if we can come back from this.

Chapter13

Beau

For three days, I worry that I’ve completely lost her. She’s been distant and quiet, and it feels like she has put up a wall between the two of us. She asked me to move back in the other day, but after my confession on how I thought our marriage was doomed from the beginning, well, I’ve remained in the pool house. I’ve had plenty of time to myself, and I’ve spent most of it reflecting on our marriage and all the things I need to do differently. The other time, I spent reading the book that I picked up at the book fair. That’s been eye-opening for sure. I know I need to do something. Our time for working on our relationship is running out.

I walk into her gym, but instead of wearing my workout clothes, I’m in jeans and a T-shirt. Her office door is open, and I knock on it before walking in and putting my hands in my pockets. “Hey.”

She lifts her head and doesn’t seem surprised. She must have seen me walk in the front door from the cameras in her office. She has a forced smile on her face. “Hey, Beau.”

I cross my arms over my chest. “I have a favor to ask.”

Instantly, she tenses. I know I’m not in any place to ask her for a favor, but I have an ulterior motive. I promised her I was going to do better, and I know one of the things I need to do is get her involved in my family. I point to the chair across from her desk. “Can I sit?”

She slowly nods her head.

I take a seat across from her and try not to think about the last time I was in here and how I made her come on my fingers. I pull at my jeans that seem to be getting tighter and get to the point. “Actually, my brothers and I have a favor.”

She sits up a little higher, intrigued. “Your brothers?”

I nod as I rub the scruff on my chin. “Yeah, you see, it has spread everyone a little thin since I took a month off and—”

She holds her hand up and rolls her eyes. “Go back to work, Beau. You don’t need a favor from me. Just do it. I mean, obviously this isn’t working out, so—”

I lean forward and slap my hand on the desk. “Listen to me. I took a month off, and that’s what I’m doing. Blaze needs help, but if you and I can’t work on it together, then I’ll just tell them no. And don’t say this isn’t working out because you and me not working out is not an option, so you can just take that off the table.”

She looks at me with impatience. “Fine. What’s the favor?”

“Blaze Whiskey is hosting a fundraiser for the new veteran facility that’s opening up at the edge of town.”

She leans back in her seat and crosses her arms over her chest. I try to ignore how it pushes her breasts up at the opening of her shirt. I clear my throat and force my eyes to hers before I continue. “So everything was planned, but—”

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