Page 61 of Running on Empty

My throat fought it, the harsh liquor burning all the way down. I wanted to cough, splutter, spray this shit all over the table, but the raucous sounds of my dad’s laughter put paid to that. I couldn’t disappoint them. So it felt like I swallowed a mouthful of pure fire, the feeling only intensifying when it hit my gut. The fire spread, burning through my whole body as…

Boom.Another heavy, slow heartbeat.

“You could’ve sipped that,” Rusty said, smacking me on the back.

Boom.

“Looks like Jaxy is ready to get fucked up,” one of my other dads said, and I had to blink twice to see which one it was. Blue sent the bottle of Jack Daniels skidding along the table and I was sure it would go smashing off the edge, my reflexes seeming too slow, sluggish in comparison to my brain, but my hand snapped out, wrapping around the neck.

Boom.

My wolf paced inside me. I didn’t feel him often. I shifted into fur sometimes but it often felt like an afterthought. I’d struggled to control him when we were young and then when we left school? It was like I got too good at it, finding it hard to shift when I wanted to.

Boom.

My heart rate picked up as I uncapped the bottle.

Boom.

My dads’ smiles widened as I raised the bottle.

“What’s…?”

My tongue felt too big inside my mouth, which shouldn’t be true. I frowned then, gaze swinging from my brother to my fathers, searching for clues. But I saw concern in Ash and sharp, jagged smiles on my dads’ faces and none of that was what I wanted. The wolf whined, a plaintive weak sound that had me frowning. I was supposed to pour the drink into the glass, but as I moved, my hands felt too big, my movements imprecise.

“What did you do to him?” Ash asked, staring at the joint being offered to him and then me. “He shouldn’t be this fucked up.”

I didn’t hear the words so much as the anger, the irritation. That was what had me bringing the bottle to my lips.

“Special blend, this is,” Rusty said, but I didn’t really hear that as I tipped my head back and drank the whiskey down.

Boom. Boom.

Flames flared brighter inside me, ones I fanned furiously as I plucked the last of the joint from my father’s grip. My skin actually burned now, the end of the joint too close to my fingers, but I took one last long drag, my lungs feeling like they expanded and kept on expanding to let the smoke in.

Boom.

The wolf’s whine turned into a snarl.

Boom. Boom.

I stared helplessly at my fingers, watching the fur prickle across them and then fade away in time with my breath, claws forming at the end.

“He’s close, Jaxy boy?” My focus jerked sideways to see my father looming there, fangs flashing as he stared into my eyes. “He is, isn’t he? You’ve gotta let him out for this to work. All of him. Not just the wolf you can stand to live with. He exists on his own, is his own creature.”

I felt my shift begin then, easy as breathing, muscles, bones snapping and rearranging until Rusty put a hand on my arm. Our lips peeled back at the attempt to prevent this. The wolf wanted out. He was sick of being stuffed down, ignored, but there was something reassuring in the way our dad gripped us so we just hovered in this half state, staring into his eyes.

“Your grandfathers had us dancing around a fucking fire, drumming and some bullshit,” Rusty told me, the other dads snickering. “Performing some kind of sacred rite, but we found it's just a means to an end. Something to get you out of your head and bring you here. Look at your hands, son.”

I did as he told me, always the good boy, but what I saw had my eyes widening. My fingers weren’t fingers anymore and they weren’t claws either. I was some strange combination of them both.

“The ritual was just a means to strip all the human shit away for a time, but not to let the wolf out. You already know how to do that. It’s to create a place for the wolf and the man to coexist at the same time and—”

A sharp bark jerked my attention sideways, a huge black wolf standing in the doorway, greeting me with a snarl. It looked fucking hostile, its fangs bared, its hackles raised, ready to tear me to pieces. So why did I get to my feet, the sound of voices, so many voices in my head clamouring for my attention? I pushed them all aside, taking one step, then another towards the wolf until its nerve broke and the bastard thing went running off.

And I went with it.

The wolf loped down the hall, past our mother, who was making tea in the kitchen, her cries ignored until we reached here. The wolf sniffed around the door, our brother’s door, then scratched at it, barking sharply, becauseshewas behind it.

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