Page 92 of Making New Plans

Sarah rinsed and dried the dishes as I finished washing them. “You sound like you’re giving up.”

I winced, remembering Hunter’s accusations. “Giving up what? I’m right where I’ve always been.”

“Not true,” Sarah countered. “The lodge has been and will continue to undergo renovations. The old house is being bulldozed and replaced by cabins you thought up. And…” She looked me square in the eye. “You fell in love.”

Despite the numbness I’d been feeling, heat flared in my cheeks. I scoffed. “Really, Sarah? You were doing fine up until that.”

“Then how do you feel about him? I think you’re feeling this way because you haven’t figured it out yet.”

I scrubbed methodically, but my mind skimmed through memories like they were research files. Yes, I’d thought at one point that I was falling for him. And then that week where we’d spent every possible second with each other, naked, clothed, and everything in between. Getting into each other’s minds and hearts as much our pants. From that first kiss at the concert, I’d felt something for him that I’d never felt before.

But I’d only had a few relationships. And those had been with guys my mother had more or less chosen. Or at least approved of. I’d chosen Hunter. Well, not at first, obviously. But slowly, he’d overtaken my thoughts until all I wanted was to be near him, to talk to him, to learn everything that made him tick.

My eyes burned. Damn it, I missed him so much already. How was that possible? I’d started missing him the second I walked away from him last Sunday. Then yesterday, it was like he’d aimed a final blow at my heart, and it’d shattered. Maybe that’s why I was so numb.

Tears plip-plopped into the soapy water.

Sarah dropped the bowl she was drying and wrapped a strong arm around my shoulders. “Oh, Chloe, you see it now, don’t you?”

I nodded, snuffling. She handed me a paper towel to dry my face and hands.

“Why didn’t I see it before?” I demanded between nose-blows.

Sarah’s eyebrows knotted together. “Because you tend to see everything through someone else’s eyes.”

I blinked at her. “What does that mean?”

She threw her hands up in the air. “It’s hard to explain, but it’s like you don’t do anything without first thinking of how everyone else is going to see it. You’ve been doing it since we were in high school. You were always worried about whether your mom would think your outfit was too revealing or that your crush, Joey Hillburn, would think it was too boring. You hid your music tastes and your extreme Type-A tendencies from your parents and your boyfriends. You only show each person what you think that person wants to see. Which means you only ever see yourself through that person’s eyes. Only a handful of people really know you, Chloe. And I think you let Hunter be one of them, and you loved how he saw you for who you really are.”

I swayed, feeling like truth bombs had just exploded around me. “But I let him walk away. He wanted to try to make it work, but I refused. If I really loved him, wouldn’t I have fought harder for us?”

Sarah grimaced. “That one’s easy. You got scared. Your mother always made you feel like you weren’t enough. And you hate not having her approval. You spend so much time and energy trying to get it that you forget to make yourself happy. So much so that you shut Hunter out the moment you believed what your mother was saying over what your own heart was saying.”

My mouth fell open. “That’s more or less what Hunter said. That I’m so worried about making a mistake that I give up the possibility of happiness.” The words had inscribed themselves into my brain. Every day that had passed since then, I’d wondered if he was right.

“This is insane,” I said, rubbing my eyes. “What do I do, then? How do I fix this?”

Sarah smiled sadly at me. “Only you know that. You have to know yourself to know what you want, Chloe. Not what would be best for everyone. Not what your mother would approve of. Not what would cause the least amount of shit to hit the fan. What do you want for yourself?”

I stood stock still, my brain trying to catch up with everything she’d said. Images whirred faster and faster. In my mind, locked doors sprung open and hidden thoughts and desires poured out.

Sarah patted me on the shoulder. “Think on it. Now, let’s get upstairs before the boys do something like go roof climbing or start an indoor paintball war. Wouldn’t want them to have all the fun without us.”

I followed her. And I did think on it. I thought on it for days. My memory unspooled and reeled through every instance in my teenager years when I wanted to do things differently but didn’t. The decisions in my adult life that I’d made. Some good, some influenced to one degree or another by my parents, the town, even my friends.

Using Sarah’s impressive logic, I analyzed everything and saw the pattern. Then I put that pattern over my current situation and started seeing the gaps, the areas begging for improvement. Suddenly, I knew what I wanted.

I burst into our house that Thursday night, the vortex that had been whirling around me the past few weeks suddenly internalized into a full-blown hurricane.

“Sarah!” I shouted, dumping my bags and kicking off my shoes.

I charged into the kitchen to see her clutching a bowl of Froot Loops and staring at me, eyes wide, mouth open, spoon dripping.

“Chloe?” she said cautiously.

“You know how when the one thing you really want is the one thing you can’t have, at least not yet, so you decide to get everything else you want in the meantime?”

She blinked, probably mentally Googling therapists. “Um, yes?”

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