Page 35 of Deep Gap

But there was a split second at Trig’s when I got a glimpse of how sweet his life is. It makes perfect sense now why he has doubts about certain activities he’s involved in. Ones I choose to turn a blind eye to because of his surveillance business. I’ve heard plenty of rumors around Brighton that the owner of Sweet Caroline’s—a guy Trig associates with—isn’t on the up and up. I don’t have near as much to lose. Yet, what I have isn’t inconsequential, and I’d do anything to keep it too.

All I can think about this week is how to have my cake and eat it too. I refuse to forfeit my job because of my relationship with Greer. I won’t give up on Greer when we’re good together.

I’m not getting down on one knee with a ring. Or asking for the two-point-whatever children. Although if she’d say something—anything besides thanking me—when I tell her I love her, I’d paint the backyard fence white… Lay a blanket down on the grass outside… Pitch a few balls to our dog and let Jovie run with her tongue hanging out of her mouth… Recline next to Greer, watching the clouds float by, and know in my soul there were endless possibilities for us.

For a woman who isn’t used to crowds and who hides from attention, Greer was impeccable at the party. The interest in her soap making and the orders the mill girls placed had her flying high by the time we’d gotten home. That night before bed, she was a whole new woman, flush with bold anticipation instead of apprehension.

In bed, she was as undaunted as ever. Greer’s newfound confidence propelled her usual lack of shame about her body to decide to take me in her mouth. Flicking her tongue to taste the pre-cum at the tip of my dick, licking down my shaft, and hollowing her cheeks as she sucked me dry. I hovered above her, my fingers in her tight hot pussy and my lips savoring the sweetness of her sex.

Satiated, I’d held her close, dragging my fingertips over her upper arm while Greer traced the ridges of my chest. It was only then that her insecurities bubbled to the surface, beginning with not wanting to ruin any of the orders she’d received and ending with her admitting she’s not ready for us to make love.

“I’m not on the pill. I only know what a condom looks like unrolled because I saw a used one in the gutter outside of my old apartment.” Her nose wrinkled.

I rolled on top of her, rocking my hips against her core. The cotton of my boxers and her panties rubbed together created friction.

“There’s no rush.” I reminded her. What we’d done, her short nails scraping my balls while I swirled my tongue around her clit, was fine by me. And for as long as it had been since I dry humped a girl, so was what we were doing. “And there’s nobody but you. You’re safe with me.”

Similar to the time it took for Greer to work her way from one concern to opening up about what was really on her mind, she deserves for her first time to be on her terms.

The following day we both had off, but Mac picked up Greer at lunchtime. The hives are active and if they didn’t split the hives in a hurry, the bees would swarm. Greer was only gone for four hours, but they were the longest of my life. My head throbbed the way it does after too many beers and yet my misery hadn’t a damn thing to do with drinking. I kept my misgivings that a hive would tumble, crashing open, and the propensity of the bees getting pissed to myself. I hadn’t wanted Greer to leave doubting that this was something she was capable of.

After they moved the newly split hive to a different location, Mac brought Greer back.

“Glad to see you’re still in one piece.” I kissed her hello as soon as the front door shut.

“Oh, I’d still be in one piece if I got stung. I’d just have holes in me like a sieve.” She waved off my apprehension with a gorgeous smile and satisfied laugh.

So the last thing I thought would happen this week was that the walkie hooked on my belt would cheep with a shrill squeal.

“I need an ambulance and an EpiPen out by the hives.” Mac asserts with no preamble. “Now!”

“I’ve got the pen!” I hear banging and Karen’s sneakers squealing on the linoleum as she dashes for the first aid kit.

I press my thumb against the walkie button. “Calling 911.”

My heart thuds in my chest telling the operator exactly what I know. If someone needs epinephrine out by the hives, then they’ve been stung. And if Mac was the one shouting into the two-way radio, then it has to be Greer.

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When I leave work Byron tends to be in the middle of teaching a class. I duck out, so as not to bother him. We’ll meet up at home. And we’re both in agreement that calling as little attention to our relationship as possible is for the best. Neither of us wants to be on Karen’s bad side.

Yesterday, she’d asked me about splitting the hives. It felt good to have a normal conversation with her. I was so excited about Mac including me in the process this year. Plus, the ladies I’d met at the party are still texting me—something that’s unbelievable to someone like me, who keeps to herself. I overindulged in telling Karen about the orders, how nice Byron’s friends are, and how proud I am of myself alluding to how Byron is of me too. I talked to Karen like she was my mom, forgetting that she’s Ellis’s. Absentminded as to what I owe her. Of course, Karen reminded me she thought Byron was too old and using me and that I was better off living someplace else. Namely, her house.

Today, I stumbled into Byron completely by accident in the back hallway near the break room. Lost in his megawatt smile, the way the sunlight from the window highlighted those gold flecks in his scruff, I dared to sneak a kiss goodbye when no one was looking.

I didn’t want Karen to catch us. Contemplating her reaction actually had me on high alert until I thought it through. I’m tired of being on pins and needles that the slightest indiscretion will have her up in arms. Or that the tiniest infraction might seal Byron’s fate, allowing Karen to convince Mac that Byron shouldn’t be a trainer here anymore.

Work was easy and life was hard before the holidays. Now, with the stress Karen is causing, that has reversed. I can’t voice aloud that I’m worried about the underlying pressure it puts on Byron and me at home. What I want is for the weight of expectations to even out. Just a little. I mean, I am so far past looking for perfection it’s in the rearview mirror. However, I’m finding it harder to believe the happiness Byron’s brought to my life isn’t doomed for destruction.

And believe me, I have had the moment where Karen’s actions are justified, and I’ve wondered if losing Byron is my recompense. An eye for an eye. I took the most valuable thing Karen had from her. Why should she not do the same to me?

I do my best thinking while I walk. So I extend my hike to the bus stop with an impromptu trek across the field over to the hives.

Fundamentally, I know that I’ve given Karen as much of Ellis back as I have to give. Each time she needs me to, I rip at the shreds of my heart that have been woven back together, offering the frayed memories to patch the hole I left in hers. Except, the love I feel deep down for Byron means I’m healing. I’ve earned the right to let go of my past because I hadn’t shied away from learning a valuable lesson. Maybe it’s time to stop tearing myself up over this?

I’m glad for the sunshine. Earlier, my legs had been chilly in the denim capris I’m wearing. It’s warmed up significantly as the morning has worn on. Long grass tickles my ankles as I stand at what I rationalize is a safe distance. I won’t venture too close without protective gear, but the spring air, the buds unfurling new green leaves on the oak tree, and the outlying hum of the worker bees bring me a sense of peace.

I lift my knee, intending to brush the blade of grass scratching my heel and that’s when I feel the sharp, fiery burn. Although I haven’t been stung since I was a kid, my mind associates the pain in an instant. Adrenaline pumps through my veins. I’ve been waiting for this, but figured if it happened, it would happen while tending the hives.

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