Page 55 of The Caress

"Yes, that's correct," she nods, but I can tell she's unsure. "Maybe we should talk more about this later. Or in the morning. You’re definitely going to stay the night here, so I won’t even entertain the thought of you going somewhere else before tomorrow."

We’ve already spent hours talking and I’m too exhausted to argue. "Thank you. You don’t know how much I appreciate this. You’ve always been so nice to me. You’re the only one who has, really, except for Isla."

She gives me a sympathetic smile. "I’m sure you and Keir had some nice moments as well, mixed in with all that drama. "Or else you wouldn’t have stayed as long as you did."

"I’d still be there now if he hadn’t kicked me out. I’m not the one who ended it. I haven’t ever been the first one to make that move."

"Like I said, maybe we should talk about it more later, once you’ve had a chance to rest."

I cock my head to the side. "Why are you holding back, Saffron? It’s not like you to keep your opinion to yourself. That’s one of the things I like about you."

"But will you still like it if I tell you something you don’t want to hear?"

Probably not, but I nod anyway. "This is your house. You’re my friend, and you know your brother better than anyone on the planet. If that doesn’t give you all the justification you need to speak your mind, I don’t know what does."

"Maybe we should have some more tea first."

Lord, she really is avoiding the subject. She won’t even look me in the eye.

I wait until she refills both our teacups and sits down again before asking her, point blank, to spill whatever it is that’s on her mind. "Tell me, Saffron. I promise I won’t get angry."

I hope it’s a promise I can keep. Judging from the wary look on her face, I’m not so sure. I meant what I said about her being my friend, though. She’s my only friend this side of the Atlantic, in fact, so I do value her opinion on most things.

She gives me one more reassuring smile and reaches over to pat my hand. "Just remember that I really do think highly of you. I would love nothing more than to see you in a relationship with my brother, okay?" She waits for me to nod, then continues. "But you keep saying you didn’t end the relationship, that he kicked you out and sent you packing." After pausing to take a sip, she says, "I’m not sure you’ve really come to terms with your own role in all of this."

Okay, she was right. That isn’t what I want to hear. "What do you mean? I understand why he’s angry with me. I don’t blame him for it."

"You don’t blame him, but that isn’t the same thing as accepting your share of the responsibility. You should have told him the truth about the plans you made with your dad. You shouldn’t have made those plans in the first place, but lying about what you did and hiding it were just adding insult to injury."

Damn.

She’s right again. I can’t even argue with her because there’s no other way to spin it. "I guess I wasn’t thinking about it that way before," I admit. "Maybe he wasn’t overreacting this time."

"Think of how angry you’d be if the situation were reversed. How else was he going to react?"

"Yeah, you’re right. I feel awful for what I’ve done, but maybe it’s all going to work out for the best. I couldn’t have handled being his dirty little secret for much longer. I don’t think he’s ready for the kind of relationship I need. We just weren’t meant to be."

As much as it hurts to say those words out loud, they need to be said. I have to be totally, brutally honest with myself if I’m ever going to get past this and start healing my heart.

"Maybe the two of you are meant to be," she says, frowning. "But maybe the timing is wrong. You want what he can’t give. He wants what you can’t give. At least you’ve both realized it now, before you made some kind of commitment you couldn’t keep."

She’s talking about marriage, and that makes my eyes well up all over again. God, I would have loved to marry Keir. If only things had gone differently.

My phone buzzes with a text, startling both of us. I reach for the phone, my heart suddenly beating wildly. Saffron is watching me. I can tell by her expression that we’re both thinking the same thing.

What if it’s Keir?

What will I say? Should I even read the message at all?

Okay, that’s a dumb question. Of course I’m going to read it. But when I reach for my phone and squint at the screen, I see the message isn’t from Keir at all. "It’s a text from Isla," I say quietly, my heart breaking into a million pieces all over again at the realization that I’ve probably seen her for the last time.

When I swipe to read the message, the tears start falling uncontrollably. Bless her heart. She didn’t ask for any of this and is too young to fully comprehend the chaos that’s always swirling around her.

I wish you could come back.I miss you.

I keep reading those words over and over again until I’m crying too hard to see anything at all. Saffron puts an arm around me and tells me it’s all going to be okay, but I don’t know if it is.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay again.

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